Uchhalna bhi ek talent hai

All hail Kim Il-sung!

2008-10-09T11:07:00.001-07:00

The above-mentioned name contains the secret to ending all the world's strife and war. It contains the key to ending all the hatred, the crusades, the jihads.

Now for those lacking sufficient knowledge about the North Korean people, their ruler, and their religious beliefs, I present a few interesting facts from the perspective of North Koreans (for the rest of the other world's point of view click here).

North Korea is run by the Worker's party of Korea. It was founded, brought to power and headed by Mr Sung. Thereafter it has been run by his son, Kim Jong Il.
The entire population of North Korea follows the ideology called 'Juche'. Practice of any other ideology/religion is an offence.
Juche basically guarantees citizens independence in thought and politics. The will of the masses is the guiding principle of the ruling class. Therefore, Juche gives the citizens all the freedoms and satisfaction that is impossible in a place that has as many religions as people want, and the will of the majority is often overlooked (eg. returning the Amarnath land).

Among other things, Juche also dictates that for 3 days around Kim Il Sung's death anniversay, the whole country must mourn. Anyone found looking insufficiently unhappy is probably shot. or worse. Mr. Sung and his son are worshipped as gods, and their birthdays and death anniversaries are big events. As you can see there are too many advantages to this system to ignore it. Let me list them down:

Since there is no other religion/ideology, people do not go around converting/re-converting/rioting/demolishing/desecrating etc. Overall greater efficiency. Such a situation also leads to demise of crappy channels like India TV.
There are only a handful of government holidays annually.

It would be great if we could impose a similar ideology on the entire nation. As it is, almost everyone is worshipping the Gandhis anyway, we can use them as the Kim Sung family. Alternatively, your truly can volunteer for the job. In case it is me, I will introduce some fun exercises. Any suggestions?

Cynics and scientists

2008-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

CERN has completed some random experiment in their 27 Km dia tunnel somewhere in western Europe. They strive to create conditions that replicate the initial moments of the birth of the universe. This has a lot of people worried, and me intrigued at the same time.

Since I am a nice guy, others first. Some leading scientists hypothesized that the experiment would lead to the creation of a miniature black hole that would eventually suck the world in. Yeah right. Another leading light (German guy, chemistry prof, commenting on a physics experiment) stated that as per his calculations, it would take the tiny hole till about 2012 to swallow the entire earth.

This gives me some food for thought. What if everyone found out that the world was going to end within 4 years? What would people be doing? I have certain guesses:

Since we know that whatever they have been upto has been pretty much a waste of time (now that the planet is going to go whoosh), we would lynch all the likes of green-peace, pollution control guys etc. etc.
Finding random people on the street having wild sex would be a common sight.
All the schools would shut down
Ekta Kapoor would be in deep shit. She'll have to sit down and think about finales of her crappy TV shows.
etcetera

As for me, this whole business makes me wonder what would the scientists achieve by spending 9 billion dollars on finding out what happened in the first few moments of birth of the universe? Does it solve problems like cancer, AIDS, hunger? Then WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED SO LONG BACK AT THE RISK OF DESTROYING THE WHOLE DAMN PLANET?

Comments?

Tata gone looney tunes

2008-09-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

Who the hell in his senses decides to put up the plant for a product that depends so much on efficiency and discipline in (present day) Bengal?

Expected Tata to do better than this.

On the other side, maybe he has taken is up as the ultimate challenge. I can imagine him thinking 'Now how can I make it tougher? Idea! Lets not just try and make the cheapest car, lets try and produce it in the most unproductive set-up in the country. Bring it on Murphy!'

Thank you MTV!

2008-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Early 90s were especially atrocious for the Indian male. For entertainment they could watch films such as 'beta ho to aisa' or 'swarg'. Rishi Kapoor was still playing roles where his character was 20 yrs old. Kumar Sanu was the hit singer and Anuradha paudwal was hot property in female vocals.

Any adrenaline inducing scene would be preceded by a saxophone tune or the dialogue 'bach ke kahaan jaayegi Rani'. It was in these dark days that the cable TV revolution happened, and brought with itself things like Baywatch, TV5 (damn, kya yaad dila diya yaar khud ko) and top of it all - MTV. All under 24 yr olds (as of today) cannot understand how big a revolution this was for us.

Apart from those in the Metros, music meant T-Series and HMV releases, and good music meant Kishore Da or RDBurman with Jhankar beats. Some lucky blokes had Michael Jackson tapes (Palika Bazaar, thank you)

Hot girls used to be those who wore jeans and skirts, hot pants meant a pair of trousers left out in the sun too long. And don't get me started on make-up.

MTV changed it all for us. There we were, virgins to Madonna, Metallica, George Michael, Aerosmith, Snoop Dog, Dr. Dre etc. etc. The VJs (mostly NRI imports like the bubbly Rubi Bhatia) wore clothes that were not available in towns (and even in Metros not available easily). They spoke in cool accents and made complete idiots of themselves on the screen. What this did for the Indian youth is a contribution which is surpassed in scale only by Jayalalitha's shoe collection.

Anu Maliks started stealing tunes to make better music. Then they started getting caught. Girls started wearing clothes that made the look good. Then they started getting fitter, so that they could look better minus the clothes. Indi-pop got a leg-up and our actors and actresses had to start learning to dance. A clutch of music composers and singers retired.

As the initial feed was not India-specific, a lot of hollywood got introduced because of the movie reviews and trailers.

Our accents got Americanized as we tried to croon (unfortunately) Brian Adams songs. I bet my pennies on the fact that this has played the single largest role in creating our call centre industry.

To sum up, respected members of the audience (I was reminded recently that the number is at least 3), we should pay our respects to MTV for how it has helped to shape out economy and society.

heights of political napunsakta

2008-08-28T14:22:00.001-07:00

Finally they've managed it. It takes more than a few wild horses to shake my belief in the Indian story. I am a hardcore patriot. So much that I have bet without fail on the Indian cricket team (even when we are touring South Africa for tests), I have given up lucrative job offers abroad, I have argued with returned-home-NRIs about how they can stop cribbing and start working.

But all it has taken is a numb political leadership, unconcious PM and a lost Home Minister to make me take a long hard look at my passport and think about getting another one from some other country. A country where they still have balls.

The final 2 nails in the coffin of ASR's nationalism were put in during the recent days.

The first one is how our Government has conveniently let the separatists take the agenda, lead and their asses in the Kashmir mess. It defies logic and sense to see how could they not pre-empt this situation. On top of that, why are they shy to shove bullets down the throats of obvious traitors. In any country, the law is clear on traitors - shoot em, bury em, forget em. Now if these assholes still believe that they will get some more Muslim votes by not doing this, they are doing the nation great harm. Also they must remember that the country is still called HINDUstan, and the votes of those mentioned in caps matter as well - if it indeed is about votes.

The second nail was put in when we let the recent Bihar flooding take place DESPITE knowing well in advance about it. All we had to do was send in some soldiers with some engineers and repair the damn structure. We didn't. To top it all, we all know very clearly that those fuckin Bahadurs depend on us for pretty much everything. They cannot simply have the balls to do what they did. And in the end, we have 3.5 million displaced poor in Bihar to worry about.

It is an exercise in boiling one's blood to see Shivraj Patil giving statements when his confidence level is indeed so low that , when it ever rises from the depths, it will bring along some dinosaur fossils or maybe some crude oil.

To listen to the fact that Nepalis did not allow our engineers to carry out the necessary repairs is even more disheartening. Nepalis! They depend on us for pretty much everything. All we had to do was send in some troops, and that would've been the end of it.

But anyway.........

A Chacha's (Uncle's) promise to his Bhateeja (Nephew)

2008-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone leaves behind a legacy for the future generations. While most of you would leave behind big hospital bills, and a negative Carbon footprint, I will leave behind a very grateful bhateeja. And no, it will not be because I will leave him a lot of money. It will be because his uncle will get him more kisses from damsels than he can ever imagine. From good ones too.

Now, what in the name of the lord has gotten into me is the question in intelligent person may ask. (Some may also ask their uncles why they aren't trying to get their nephews the sweeties) And my answer to the above-mentioned question from the intellectually unchallenged fellow members of the specie and gender is that if a 5'9" Emraan Hashmi can manage to romp with all the hotties that passed the Bhatt casting couch in town, that if Uday Chopra got an on film smooch, that if Kishan Kumar found a camera whose lens didn't commit suicide, then why can't I, Abhimanyu Rana not produce, write and direct a flick for my nephew.

You see, in this unfair world, when Mahesh Bhatt could have picked up any of the struggling actors in tinsel town, he let his love for his Bhateeja cloud his judgment. This proves 2 points:
1. Mahesh Bhatt is straight. Else we would've seen another Aryan Vaid or Arjun Rampal in his flicks
2. I want him as my uncle!
Next he picks up catchy tunes from Pakistani singers (I'll find some from Eastern Europe!. Suck my left toe Mahesh!), a new babe who performed well on the couch and his nephew. To make matters sweet for his boy, he even put in nice kissing scenes. What a guy!

I will go a step further. Each of my flick will have 1 common plot angle. There will be 2 heroines. This will happen via:
1. The hero's chic would die before the interval and a new one will walk in. OR
2. Alternatively she will have a plastic surgery. OR
3. I will simply change the actress without effecting the story.

I will do this to let the boy also enjoy some casting sessions. THAT is how I will make my legacy.

I hope the lad turns out straight!

Karzai got balls!

2008-06-18T01:57:00.000-07:00

The president of a war ravaged country that relies on Indian to help set up their public toilets, has done and is threatening to do again what India should have done ages ago but don't have the balls to.

Mr. Karzai has threatened to send his troops into Pakistan to eliminate threats to his country. He has the balls to say this when Pakistan is a close ally of Afghanistan's pocket money and protection giving daddy - USA. I have a mixed feeling of admiration and jealousy towards this guy.

Despite the Advanis (Iron Man, he he), Vajpayis, Singhs and so many more the nest we have managed is to destroy a few bunkers, and that too when we had an ex wrestler (Mulayam S) as the defence minister. Beyond that, the only thing we have done is try and poolute the rivers that flow into Jihadistan. Maybe we need to take a cue from these guys about decisive action that goes beyond PR pranks.

The metrosexual male

2008-06-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

There is a new variety of males around town nowadays. Their number seems to be ever increasing, and they threaten the very fabric of alpha male-ism. This new variety is what politically correct people call 'metrosexual' and what I call gay types. You are welcome to coin your own names, if that is what gives you a good kick.

These men have 20 lotions in their bathrooms, go to saloon more often that the soccer field, shave their (own, hopefully) chests, are pedicured, are manicured, know over 16 colors, have replaced the swagger in the walk with the sashay. You get the drift.

Some ways you tell the difference between the gays and the gay types are:

Gays buy Vaseline, types buy hair gel.
Gays wear tighter jeans
Believe it! - Gays have more female friends in their daily interaction circle, while gay types have more guys
Gay types shave their chest, for gays that's just the starting point of waxdom

What puts me off ease is that fact that the gay types (to me) appear to have a predisposition towards turning the other way some day. While this occurrence would bring cheer to many a males as it leads to lower competition, it sure does disrupt the nature's cycle. And political too.

You see, pretty soon once Congress has declared most of the country as SCs, STs, OBC, etc etc, they will not know whom to give reservation to next, and the first category the will jump at will be gays. Which means that eventually all good educational institutes will have some incompetent gays apart from incompetent teachers and students. It will also make ragging a truly horrid affair for a lot of freshmen.

As for the gay types, the next time a friend of mine comments on some guy's denims/shoes/skin etc. instead of some passing chic's assets/car/cleavage he is off my 'shake hands without hesitation' list.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Life

2008-06-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today that I havn't updated my blog for a while. This got me thinking in - what most would call - the right direction. On the drive from one office to another, I realized that I have really screwed up the 'fun' part in my life.

There are a few mistakes I have made over the past 2 years. I am sharing with you (if my audience is still there, this blog used to have one), because I would like to make some of you sit and take stock of your lives too. We get a little too caught up with work, career money etc. to continue to care about the right things in life.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. As I was saying, I have screwed up the fun part in life - but it hasn't been entirely without reward. I now drive a BMW. I own and run a successful and growing business. I have made lots of new friends over the past year and half. I have bought a house at what a what banks call 'super premium' location. So far so good. You would ask, why the hell is this guy complaining. And this brings me to the part where you stop wondering and start sympathizing. I am bored. Really bored. Have put on over 15 kilos. Play no sport. Single. Forgotten lyrics to turn the page. Forgot how to play 'Hotel California' on the guitar. And stopped blogging. Things have become so sad, that my newer set of pals introduce me to people as 'well mannered, reliable, intelligent', wait till some of the old crowd hears about this. Now I know what the ogre felt like when he was made a prince temporarily in 'Shrek'.

To sum it up, I had traded the stuff that gave some meaning to my existence for the stuff that really didn't matter to me until a few years ago.

The above statement is really important, cause it made me feel a lot less stressed as I now knew exactly what was the matter. This is the tough bit, the rest is easy.

I need to start finding time for the right things in life. Stuff as simple as exercising, playing music, singing along your favorite song as you drive recklessly, flirting when you meet a cute girl instead of worrying about what people might think.

So, what does it mean? It means a few more blogs, a lot more ridiculous 'old manyu' antics,. Stay put .

Being single - guest note

2007-10-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Gaurav Sharma has written a very good note on single hood. Here it is, followed by my take on it. (The original blog can be found here: http://gauravsharma26.blogspot.com/)

Gaurav's comment:
"I'm Single". The two most interesting words I've ever come across. Interesting cause they make one either look at you with contempt thinking there must be something terribly wrong with you OR with a lot of respect thinking you are a guy who doesn't sell cheap to anyone.

I have been judged in both respects by almost everyone I know for sometime (almost a year) now. Everyone in my friend circle is either coupled or married. Being the only single guy among a group of friends can be interesting yet difficult sometimes.

The first thing everyone is curious to know is - WHY are you still SINGLE? There is a conundrum involved in the answer.Thats cause there are only honest two possible answers to this - 1) Lack of options or 2) Still waiting for that special someone.
Whichever I choose as my answer doesn't matter. That's cause everyone's interpretation of the answer is different.

Lemme explain it a bit. Lets start with 1) Lack of options : There are some usual reasons for having lack of options. Either one is a ghastly looking pot bellied hairy beast whose breath smells of rats excreta with no money and future prospects.

Well that could be one of the reasons for me being single in an alternate reality, cause in this one to say the least I got no such problems. Being tolerably handsome and a little above a personal poverty line, to being educated enough to not require a BPO or KPO as paymasters in this lifetime, I got it covered. Then why still lack of options You may ask. Well let me dwell a little deeper into this mystery.

I haven't been always single you see. I have had my fair share of romantic escapades for many years now. The trouble is none of it lasted. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was her and sometimes it was the fear of unknown (love, marriage, career all inclusive). My friends always wonder why out of everyone they know is a guy like Gaurav still single. Want me to be brutally honest? Lack of options. What exactly are these options that I've been cribbing about for so long now? Well let's start with "single" women. Where are they?! I mean like they are almost extinct in my dictionary.

Where are the 24-25 old single women who are interesting, educated and pretty? Nowhere to be found if you ask me. Either they are all spoken for, coupling or married. And even if they are there, I am really zapped about where to find them. Hmm.. Hotspots to hangout for single pretty ladies? LoL.. DOESN'T EXIST. I mean it's not that I haven't tried. I have tried the places where I'm likely to meet interesting single women. Clubs, lounges, Internet, book cafe's etc to be some of them. Heck i have even stooped to the level of asking my friends and their wives or gf's to hook me up with some of their single women friends but without much success.

There was a time when women were a dime a dozen. I had enough dates to fill up a whole calender. The trouble is that.. I used to think this can and will continue forever. Damn! Was I wrong. I really don't know what happens to women who are over 22/23 in Indian context. They get this sudden rush for finding a committed guy. Now this guy might not be good looking, he might not have a 5 year plan either. Just as long he is committed, he will do. Too bad I wasn't this guy when I was 22/23.. i was just having a lot of fun n fooling around. That's cause I thought I can pull off this phase for a next few years to say atleast. I was wrong. I was so so wrong. Not only did the options started becoming scarce, there came a point that I became kind of desperate and was accepting anyone coming my way just as long as she had the female anatomy. Then one day, I just gave up on all this and put all my focus and energy on my work. It payed off quite well too!!

Well and that's what I have been doing for the past 1 whole year! "Being Single" and actually enjoying it! After all What's wrong with being single? A whole lot if you go by what you see around you. Whether you visit a bookstore or a library, watch television, go to the movies, listen to friends and family, adopt the values of society, or read the newspaper, messages about couplehood prevail. Little is spoken about being single, except as a condition to avoid like the plague. In the dawn of a new millennium, it's time to say what being single is really all about.

1) Being Single I don't have to tolerate moodiness & nagging.
2) I can appreciate my independence
3) I can control my finances
4) I have more time for activities
5) I don't have to focus on other persons annoying personal habits
6) I can be spontaneous
7) I can focus much better on my work n career
8) I can be my own boss
9) I can date and flirt as I please without having any guilt or fear
10) I can get an early good nights sleep without having to be on the phone till 2:00 a.m.

Coming down to my second answer - "I haven't met someone special.." Well that's a lie. I believe all the women I have been with have been special to me in their own unique way. They taught me so much about all that I knew so less. Even though it didn't work out between me n them, it doesn't matter cause I don't blame them. It was me.. I just wasn't ready to commit.

There I said it.. I had commitment issues. The reasons were simple.. business was good and I was in demand. Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, feul, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 kms," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up".

Now when i'm almost 26 and all the good single women are almost out of sight, I realize the mistakes I have done. If there is one important lesson that I have learnt over the years, is that life is not static. Things change, people change and life moves on. But there are always a few special people "unique" in their ways who you just do not let go thinking that I can get someone better. Cause quite honestly.. there isn't such a thing as a perfect girl or guy. It's just about trying to make stuff work even if things are not going smooth. It's more about giving than taking. It's about being comfortable as who you are at that very moment and not caring about what future holds in stored. I realize all this now after being single for a whole year.

But things are looking optimistic to me. I think all hope is not lost. I am still not giving up on me. I know that there is a girl out there for me. She just doesn't know it yet. It doesn't matter how much time it might take me to find her. cause till then, I am going to make the most of my singledom, as this time when I do find her, I am not letting go.

The crappy facebook folks would not let me post my comment, so here it is:
Very well said fellow freeway-er. We have both taken different roads to end up being at the same point on the freeway. I am (sporadically) single because even when I was in a relationship I followed the 10 point thing that you've mentioned. Heck, have even been accused of treating women like sub-ordinates despite not having any such intentions (happened last week)! I just never want to change the person I am. Maybe another few miles later.

As for you, I think the problem is that you don't have too many friends who are still out fishing. They're pretty much settled and thus their plans are made accordingly. Because of lack of peer participation, you're probably approaching these things with age old methods. Its like a closed economy, you become technically stagnant.

SNAP OUT OF IT. If guys like Shahid Kapoor (he's not even a super star's son for god's sake, nor is he any taller or handsome than I was in grade 6) can date someone like Kareena Kapoor (even though she reminds me of a white fat swiss cow, she's too good for him and probably recieves her fair share of shower time activity dedications), you can do wonders.
Attention soldier. Back straight, stomach in, chest out. Get yourself together and push the bloody car if it's broken.
And don't take the nearest exit.

Ram Gopal Verma ki (white) Shirt

2007-10-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

We all know about one of Ram Gopal Verma's ki Chuls. He calls it aag. There's another chul he has. It involves making 5'5" heroines wear a white shirt (preferably on a beach) and so some gyrations to a song that would sound seductive to a Mumbai dance bar frequenter. Let me tell you more on it...

Ram Gopal Verma (RGV) is an interesting fellow. He is a perfect example of your productivity is as good quality as what you are screwing. From his Rangeela days - Urmila Matondkar, to Company & Road etc. era - Antara Mali to James & Ram Gopal Verma ki Aag (should be called Ram Gopal Verma ki Chul) - Nisha Kothari, we can see the change in the kind of chics he was screwing being reflected in the movies he was making.

Urmila was youthful, and so was Rangeela. Anatara Mali was her replacement and did some good work in Company and other flicks, finally tanking in Naach. The only thing that took off for Nisha Kothari are most of her clothes, but not her acting career. He dabbled in Jiah Khan too, but thankfully that didnt last beyond Nishabd.

My analysis of the situation has revealed some simple nuances. If you will notice from the evidence that I am going to put forth, I may very well be right. It all started with a white shirt. You see, when RGV caught his bus to Mumbai, his luggage got mixed with that of a garment manufacturer. When he reached Mumbai and opened his suitcase, all he found were small sized white shirts[1]. He swore that he'd screw whoever wore those shirts.

He put the matter aside and went on to make some movies. He produced them as well, and that enabled him to make enough money on his good flicks to produce some bad ones too. And it gave him what attracts so many producers to bollywood.

A casting couch. And what a nice one too.

RGV, being a man who doesn't throw away anything (he gave Urmila a number in Ram Gopal Verma ki Chul) remembered his kasam, took out his white shirts and made the auditionees wear them. Those who fit in, were given roles in his films. Come to think of it, Urmila, Antara, Jiah and Nisha are all approximately the same size. They fir into the exact same shirts.

RGV's modus operandi is quite simple. He'll make em wear one of his white shirts, dance around a bit, and them construct a movie around it.
Here are some examples:

Here's Urmila from Rangeela

Here's Antara from Road. Even if it's wet, you can tell that the shirt is white.

Here's Jiah from Nishabd

Here's Nisha Kothari from James

We know that there's some talent hidden somewhere inside this guy, but we now also know that it would remain mis-directed until he runs out of his white shirts. Until then, we can continue to watch him make us watch his white shirted fantasies involving 5'5" young girls.

The latest get very very rich scheme... looking for partners

2007-06-11T02:42:00.000-07:00

This one is strictly for entrepreneurs with balls [disclaimer].

short and sweet here is the scheme.

We need to buy a piece of agricultural land in some place where the police and other authorities already have their hands full. (Orissa/Assam/Bihar?).

We will start digging a well on your premises and start doing some basic farming. At bottom of the well (make sure you don't hit water!!!), shall start digging horizontally instead of vertically. Create vast tracts of 8 foot high tunnels. The land so deep down would have a good degree of humus in the soil, making it fertile. Now we will install a mixture of light bulbs and IR lamps in order to recreate sunlight w.r.t. what the plans need. These shall be switched on and off at a 24 hour cycle. since underground tunnels are usually humid, the place in now great to grow coca. In another small part of the 'facility' we shall set-up a state of the art
processing and packaging plant.

Later on, we shall cut a deal with the local police, who I am sure would be the most competent authority and will have the safest distribution network for our product. Also, our payments would be guaranteed. We will, though be careful enough to never divulge where the plant actually is.

Here is a business case:
2 acres of land: 25 lacs approx.
cost of digging, bits and pieces construction[1, see note below]: 5 lacs
cost of generator: 1 lac
cost of lamps: 6000Rs * 800: 48 lacs
cost of door (to keep the slave labor in): 20 lacs
cost of silenced sniper rifles [1]: 2*10 lacs
irrigation system (pump + piping): 2 lacs
laboratory equipment: 10 lacs (incl. vacuum packing, ventilation, and label printing machines, special armbands)
Net total: 135 lacs

The amount of money to be made out of selling high quality stuff is stratospherical, so I shall not get down into those details. The building plans we shall discuss later.

Out of the above costs, we can cover about 15 lacs as loans to farmers for various stuff. The rest we can raise through other methods [2, read if you doubt my confidence].
What we do need is 2 individuals who are willing to go through stringent fitness/martial arts training, and then work in the laboratory. They should also be willing to wear a special armband at all times [3].

Footnotes:
[1]: Only two men will be employed as labor. They will be not leave the premises until the work is complete, and will be shot once it is complete. an added bonus of that the only payment that we will have to make to them would be the advance that would be paid to them 9if they ask for it). For the sake of patriotism, we shall hire Bangladeshi labor. The silenced rifles will come in handy for the purpose.

[2]: Other methods for raising capital. From the first government agricultural loan, we shall procure the first of the rifles. These shall be used to carry out sophisticated contract killings. Through this route we shall raise the remaining capital for the project.

[3]: Every involved member, including I (and the partner), shall wear a special armband. I (and the partner) shall act as if we too are employees of the unseen - behind the scenes - boss (example). This special armband shall contain cyanide, which shall be injected immediately as soon as an attempt is made to either remove the band, or leave the premises.Of course the band I wear shall be fake.

[disclaimer]: Before you start calling the cops, understand that this stuff jocular in nature. We at abhimanyurana.blogspot.com strongly discourage the use of drugs, even if that leads to great deals of good sex or feelings of euphoria. We also strongly discourage assassination as a profession, it can lead to premature torture and death.

Why does momma nature.......

2007-06-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was told that more often than not, mother nature has a reason for doing things the way they are done. This includes some essential stuff like giving us an appendix, and then when we did not need it switching it off. It includes making the rabbit capable of multiplying so fast because all it has are predators out to make a meal out o fit.

some designs are outright brilliant. and are called nature's wonders. These include, making the flowers so strikingly colorful in order to attract the insect that is going to aid in pollination, giving the camels that water storage thing etc etc.

What I cannot understand is why mother nature also chooses to do some things in ways that can definitely be improved. At present, the list includes:

Why does sweat smell bad?
Why do we fart? Can't we simply exhale the gases? and Then, why does that have to stink that bad?
Why are we just different shades of brown? why not blue, or red? Blood is red, after all

you get the drift....

End of caste based reservation?

2007-06-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

The news today left me feeling so much better. This whole reservation bull-shit has taken an interesting turn. The whole system is taking a self corrective - though unintentional course of action.
It had to happen with time, and I'm glad it happened where it hurt the most. Gujjars in Rajasthan are demanding to be pushed in the SC/ST category from the OBC category. Reason? Well the reason is that in the OBC category the Jats take up the seats while in the SC/ST category, the Meenas are taking up the seats (anyone at IIT remember Jwala?). This leaves nothing for the Gujjars. So they are trying to arm twist the government into changing their classification.

Once their protest became too strong, the Meenas said something like "If the government cannot put out this protest, we will do it for them. Relax" and quite effectively punctured the Gujjar plans.

In the meantime, the Pandits in Rajasthan are demanding reservations as well.

Wait a minute? Is this the same country where an SC couldn't drink from the same well as the 'upper' castes? What has happened? Why do these 'upper caste' people now want to be called SC/ST or OBC?

This is too good. This is making a mockery of the caste based reservations. The policy of divide and rule is not going to work forever for the politicians in this stupid country. Slowly, I hope, these idiots will come to the realisation that caste based reservation cannot work for the society, even if it does so well for the vote bank.

The 'I wanna be the peoples' champion' attempts by the Nehrus, Ganhis and the occasional VP asshole Singh are not going to work that well. Curse Rajiv Gandhi and VP Singh for rolling out this sick reservation policy. Curse Arjun singh for trying to become a larger than others leader by extending it to the few remaining institutions. This hopefully, will be the beginning of the end of this stupid system.

Again, I am optimistic. It will take time
for our politicians to look beyond small political gains
for our people to drop the Chalta hai attitude
for people to stop voting for absolute idiots
for smart people to start voting
for people to stop spitting on the roads
and...
for shaddas to start eating with their mouths closed

But when that time comes, this nation will be a good place to live. I do not dream of world domination, just dignified existence for us as a nation. And this recent stir is a good step in the right direction, though unintentional.

Brain drain

2007-05-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

Brain drain has been a major issue for a reasonably long time for this country. I remember reading articles on the topic even as a kid in the 5th grade. Most of these articles were about bashing these NRIs for taking the education in this country and then leaving it for greener pastures.

Such bashing, though is an integral part of our culture. Whenever something precious (fame, money, power) is earned by someone, a thousand losers crop up and start saying stuff. Most of these double standarded idiots are losers who wear a veil of socialist punchlines and vocabulary to say the equivalent of "The grapes are sour, AND the person who is eating them is an asshole"

What we need to understand is that a person who has worked hard to acquire some skills will want to exercise them to gain some satisfaction and also improve his lifestyle on the way. Until a few years ago if you wanted to do that, you could not be blamed for taking the first flight to the US.

Today, that is certainly not the case. I am not saying that we have become as good as the western world when it comes to the standard of living, work-satisfaction or social security, but we are getting there. And now the trade off no longer (to me) justifies leaving behind family, friends, the makkhan and lassi, the summer-winter-monsoon, the collective world-cup disappointment. The gap is getting smaller.

Getting my education from IIT (a sureshot job+visa) I have come across a lot of people who leave for jobs and higher education. Very rarely does someone say he is leaving for good. most of them have in place (vague) plans or milestones after which they will return.

A factor that has prompted some people to never leave is a strong pride of something people may be embarrassed about. They will now sat that we are without problems in our present scenario. We are far from it. But is taking flight to a better option the solution? Is losing my identity, my sense of belonging, the price I want to pay for escaping the situation?
For some people it may be, but for some other it clearly is not. I cannot join the bandwagon of US citizen Indians (or even mere green card or H1B holders) in saying that "That place is filthy. There's too much corruption. There's no opportunity". I have to agree, the amount of corruption that a common man comes across in our society is significant (corruption at highest levels is equally rampant across all societies).

You are welcome to leave. you are welcome to change allegiance to some other nation. you are NOT welcome to call us names. Because we are not cowards. We did not run away like you guys did. This is MY house. This is MY mess. I will clean it up. People like I, will stay in the hope of making it a better place. It already is the land of a thousand opportunities for those who have the courage. and this brain drain will rid us of the opportunists and feeble. Good riddance, junta?

And I know, the day your daughter will grow up with western values, the day a waiter will refuse to be courteous to your skin color, the day you will feel alone on Diwali (or Id, or Lohri), you will want to come back.

whats in a name?

2007-05-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Everything.
As far as deciding what kind of a person the child is going to become and what kind of an education he is going to earn.

You see, a child with a roll number in the first 4 or 5 can definitely not plan to make up for lack of academic preparation during the exams by the means of cheating. Two reasons:

He is sitting right in front of the invigilator
The teachers read the first few answer scripts with interest, thus being able to spot 'inspired 'answers

So the kid slowly, painfully learns that the only way out is to study. One advantage he has is that even if he manages to cheat, its his answer that is read first and given good credit, while the original one will come across as slightly jaded.

On the other hand, if the child has a name which places him bang in the middle of the pack. This kid will grow up to become a wily smart guy who know show to go beyond his means to get better results.

My strategy? I will first put the offsprings somewhere in the middle to make them smarts and then rename them with 'Aa' to make them work hard as well....

Pappi on a sunday

2007-05-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

Sometimes spiders spin their webs around him.

Sand

2007-04-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

some things are like sand. Harder you try and hold onto them, quicker they slip away between your fingers

I know people have said that before. but i reckon if you had time to come visit my blog, you wouldn't mind spending it reading this one.

Lesson of the week

2007-04-05T00:05:00.000-07:00

Men are dogs.

But that is fine.

What is not,

is that most women are bitches too.

The dog and the pappi

2007-04-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

Pahale puppy tha
fir dawg
fir puppy
now lost

I dont want to be a puppy
Present circumstances prevailing, I cannot be a dawg......

aaargh

Mine's cheaper (to run) than yours

2007-03-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

It goes 20Kms to a litre of diesel (Rs 30/ltr).

A good contrast compared to the 10 Kms I used to traverse on a litre of petrol (Rs 44/ltr).

For those who graduated from the arts stream, substitute ride goes at Rs. 1.5/km and the mitsubishi goes at Rs 4.4/km

I can now afford to buy some new clothes

Thank you John W. Hetrick and Allen Breed

2007-03-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

The fact that I am able to type this and do not have to dictate it to someone who is doing the typing speaks volumes about where vehicular safety has reached. The car is pretty smashed up, but I am okay, except for a swollen wrist and a bruised ego.

I take this opportunity to thank the inventors/innovators who made the airbags/impact sensitive seat belts and anti-skid brakes. I also thank Mitsubishi for making this equipment standard as against trying to sell more cars by making a cheaper variant available by not putting these devices in.

The Americans made airbags mandatory in 1989, we are still struggling with the helmets.

Learnings:
1. Go for the safety features even if they cost more, unless you drive like a monk on probation
2. Cedia offers huge safety, no engine breaking and understeers a bit

Send me a cure

2007-03-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

All of us have our own peculiarities. Things that we wished we could change, or maybe things we could explain. At least to ourselves. I cannot recollect how many times I have heard a friend say "I love him/her despite everything. I know I shouldn't but I cant help it". And its just not restricted to the matters of the heart, it is the way we think, the way we talk, the way we walk, it can be anything.

I have two fallacies of the above mentioned kinds. I wish I had control over them, but I do not. I wish I had a reason for them (so that I could outreason myself and rid myself of these), but I do not. The first and the one that really gets me the negative points from Santa and everyone else is the fact that I was born with the shortest fuse in the world. I dont even need a spark to burst into fits of anger, its a very very spontaneous process. Do not take me along if you want to just settle a dispute with someone amicably.

The second one is a weird one. I do not trust women. The whole goddamn breed excluding immediate blood relations. And I cannot - try as hard as I may - cover it up. I have to say/do something that over a period of time passes off the feeling to others, and believe me, lack of belief exhibited by others towards oneself can really put women off. Sometimes I hear retorts like "u think way too much and way too bad", on other occasions people get genuinely hurt.

for both these cases I do not know what to do. time, the claimed best ointment has done little to cure the problem. I just hope I do not have to pay a price too much for this.

Who pays the bill? - a book trailer

2007-03-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

On the increasingly rare[1] occasions that some lass accepts my offer for a cup of coffee/dinner there always is the question of who pays the bill. My problem is I have the lethal mixture of chivalry and an empty wallet. So, I do end up footing the bill on most occasions, I can rarely afford to do so. When this happened on one occasion where I did not get anticipated rewards despite repeated efforts, I decided enough was enough and decided to come up with my guide titled "Shall we go dutch with the bill?" [2]

Without any delays, here is the guide.
Let me start with a sensational fact.
This was disclosed by a member of the opposite specie. Summing up what she said, if the girl is letting you pay for that expensive dinner without as much as a whimper of "lets go dutch" means she'll not whimper if you say "lets go missionary" (or doggy) later on. IT IS A HINT. The path to what it leads you to is not as easy as I say it is, but it definitely IS NOT BLOCKED unless u goof up.

now now, stop recollecting all the times that has happened, its quite useless. Beware, if you are simply being taken for a ride [3], then it definitely is not the signal, but you should try. So, in case you are being taken for a ride, the chic deserves getting screwed. In case you are not being taken for a ride, the chic wants getting screwed. This knowledge will help you in the inevitable case of what happens after you screw a (particular) chic for the first time.

she will (most probably) make you feel responsible and guilty for the whole thing. if this happens, the knowledge of the previous paragraph lets you see through the whole incident and not feel morally bad. Now the really REALLY important info....

if she starts to tell the junta about what happened. friends.coworkers. Then its definitely confirmed. She was taking you for a ride. good riddance. and some return on investment.

So the book is a treasure trove of such tips. So, I will make the whole book available as soon as I am guaranteed 100 pre-orders.

[1] This is the problem that has come up with the advent of affordable contact lenses. Earlier chics used to turn up without their glasses (for the want of not looking bookish), and thus couldn't be sure about how the guy looked. With deceit no longer an option , I rarely find a girl who has bad eye-sight and doesn't already wear contact lenses/glasses. Thus I can readily blame affordable contact lenses for the prolonged no date spells I experience.

[2] will be available from lagging bookstores as soon as my publisher agrees to go dutch with the printing costs

[3] some girls actually are pure bitches. its usually like this. 'i wont date you'/'i have a BF (usually in another town)' but I'll still let you take me eating/shopping etc. This was an interesting way to make the reader scroll down to read what I could have written in the main text body anyway. ha!

I am a Mallika fan

2007-02-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is a weird topic to the blog, but i couldn't think of anything else to get me started. to tell you the truth, I am no fan, but just an admirer. This remarkable woman has given so much to the Indian film industry and the viewer that she truly deserves an award or two.

So what is it that she has done? she is not THE bollywod star today. She isnt marrying Abhishek. Then why HER?
good questions, but the answer lies right in front of us. Before Mallika happened to us, the industry was ruled by women with tyres who resembled size 30 jumbos fitted into size 20 clothes. Watch any pre 2002 music video and you will cringe at the fat show. It looks like a dalda advert man.

She dared.
Lo! behold! Joan of arc of hindi film watchers.
Oh she dared.

She dared them to bare. she dared them to let the camera (and the audience) see the tyres. All of a sudden the kareenas had to shape up, the Bipashas had to tone up.

and now the directors had many muses to portray on screen. I bet earlier a lot of directors had to hold back their creativity because the delivery medium wasn't good enough.

Agreed she isnt the best actress, to be honest there's a substantial number of people who couldnt care less. First of all, the heroine's role is usually small in a hindi movie unless it involves some dancing (nowadays in small clothes) or some sensual strutting. Let me draw your attention to the fact that women centric movies have more often than not involved plots of (s)exploitation and rape (chingari, zakhmi aurat....).

And if Abhishek can learn to act...
And if Aftab can go beyond the screen test... (I have a theory on gay actors in the industry)
And if Tusshar Kapoor can get a screen test...
Mallika (or any other hottie) can act.
Yes she can.

I think the way she has captured everyone's imagination and the way everyone has an extreme love/like opinion on her, she all of a sudden reminds me of Indira Gandhi.

There have been times when these women have been bold. when they have done what people knew was right and said wasn't. remarkable woman she indeed is.

hail mallika.

Whodunnit?

2007-02-21T03:02:00.000-08:00

This is totally fresh.

someone blew up a trainload of........ Pakistanis!
It would have made sense had it been the latest group travel thing to Allah - a suicide bombing in a crowded place. which means that it would have raised no eyebrows had it taken place in Pakistan.

But it took place in India! I don't get it.

Policing

2007-01-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

One big qualm I have about us Indians in particular is that almost everyone wants to be some kind of a cop. ever since I can remember, I can recollect someone trying to steer my life in the direction of correct education, health, morals, clothes, driving, TV, book and so on. Sometimes I am totally surprised that there is no dictum on the kind of underwear we have to wear, but I think that is partly due to a lack of a ministry of underwear.

The whole thing about policing comes from the fact that most of the decision takers around us are men (and women) whose opinions are probably not heard by those they interact with on a daily basis. for example, an old fag would go after the kids playing in the park by claiming that the park is meant for him to take a walk in and not for kids to play cricket in! The probable reason is that on-one in the house was paying attention to his rants and he can went it out on the kids.

At a higher level, the RSS wants to ban valentines day, Gujarat 'officially' has banned liquor, government wants my vote, but doesn't want me to drink, universities cannot have campus radios, Mallika Shehrawat cannot wear a body suit, cannot kiss someone (personally or professionally). Couples cannot date without a cop strolling over and asking them to part with some money, or leave! In fact recently there was an incident in Gujarat where an asshole went after couples with sticks. Probably he had caught his wife fucking with his driver.

When it comes to policing Gujarat is on an altogether different plane. Their leader decides to have a whim and there are enough idiots to follow it up. Of course that is what you would expect from someone who worked on a tea stall not too long ago, but this is definitely NOT what one would expect of perhaps the most successful business community in India. Its a pity that Gujarat knows how to do business, but chooses to kiss the dog when it comes to ballot.

And its not about that one state alone. Think about this. Saddam is hung in Iraq. By the Americans. And some Muslims go on a rampage in - nor Baghdad, neither Pakistan- Bangalore. The act involves some arson as well. That was bad. OK. What is worse is that some Hindus go on a rampage a couple of days later to protest the rampage by the Muslims. The act involves some arson as well. Ironically, this is one of the most literate states in India. A worse example was when an actor died of OLD AGE. not even an act of god, or some other act. OF OLD AGE. There were apparently enough idiots in the state to go on an over 48 hour rampage. BURN GOVT BUSES! Hell. Whats wrong with these people!

Please I am not singling out any particular states here, its just that I could recollect these incidents of hand, I am sure there is more and worse for other states as well.

I think the problem is that because we have such people, those with the power seek to correct everything for the fear of such reactions. They take to dictate TV programming, radio programming, media censorship and what not. What we have to understand is that this is no solution. Government actions lead people to accept and implement policing of all sorts. Right from what sport a child plays, what subjects he studies, what career he takes up, what college he goes to, what women he marries, the gender of his offsprings, the TV channel and the content he watches, what movies he watches, what booze he drinks, how can he display patriotism by unfurling the Tri-colour. nowadays I have seen some idiot on TV teaching people how to breathe as well as claim that his technique will cure AIDS. Go fuck a prostitute Godman!!! And when there was a sting on how he makes his medicines, there were enough unemployed idiots he could muster who went on - India's favorite activity nowadays - burning some mannequins.

There are two was to deal with idiots. The first is the one the government takes. It is the idiot's way. Behave like one, ban the channel and hope the rape incidence will go down. The other is to be proactive. Increase tolerance and acceptability in the society. Let the people be their own guides, but follow up with real good law and order enforcement to prevent abuse of the rights of the citizens by the citizens themselves. Let people choose to meet - and perhaps hold hand, maybe kiss - in a park. Let people decide for themselves what channels they want to watch. Do not start to decide their good for them.

What crap! This is why democracy sux. The Majority idiots elect idiots and the do and suffer from idiotic deeds. I am glad we have rampant corruption, or the smart ones wouldn't be able to run this country. now I must hurry and go, else all the General category seats on the bus would be taken up and I'd have to stand despite the empty OBC and SC/ST seats.

Cricket, and the misfortunes of the Indian team

2007-01-10T23:06:00.000-08:00

Simple explanation to why we didn't do well in South Africa.
As you see, I can let the pictures do the talking

Rahul Dravid + wife

Graeme Smith's girlfriend

Sachin Tendulkar + wife

Jaques Kallis's girlfriend

Unbelievable

2007-01-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

Got this message from a friend about this (probable) female who is soliciting some company through a blog. The blog (yes I visited it, purely out of curiosity to find out who was bent upon hara-kiri) has some pictures of this lass as well, who, if pictures are to be believed has to have some very strong reasons for having to come online for finding a date.

Going by the past record of Indian male populace online, its just a matter of time before she gets flooded with messages like - "but whatever it is,if u r really looking for something sizzling ,shud I say ecstacy.. yeah ecstacy is right word to describe me....". Continuing from Orkut, where being a female - even one without a picture - gets you requests to be phraands, this poor girl would be in trouble sooner than later.

Females have all the funny streaks. This one has even mentioned having had a 1 night stand with someone. Shit that sounds like more solicitations. Anyway, I can imagine this being a carefree woman, who doesn't want any baggage in life, at least for now. But she still desires the company of someone she can actually have a good conversation with. And, believing what is there on the blog, she is not bad looking as well (going by a picture that is small and slightly out of focus). Now, what have we got. A woman who likes smart men (and not stupid gelled hair delhi 6 types), has the courage (and correct grammar) to blog about it, and doesn't look like Medusa's identical twin.

So, maybe she is too good to be true. Whatever she is, we need more people (not just women) like her. People who express and go for what they want. Who are not embarrassed of expressing their needs, intellectual, sexual, conversations - whatever. Salut to this one. Go multiply.

But, hold on. I got another theory. My seek a conspirac mind has come up with some crap yet again.

Ibibo has hired people to write these blogs in order to secure more hits to their website in order to generate more revenues through advertising. This particular blog looks like perfect fodder for those with too much spare time, bad grammar and a loser attitude towards life.

So, my dilemma, and one that I would want to resolve is, "what is the truth?". If someone finds out, let me know.

Season's greetings

2007-01-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

A very happy new year to all my readers.

India and the elusive Olympic gold

2006-12-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have for long been dreaming that India will someday win ONE Olympic gold. With our population, someday, will come a stud boy who will be born with gills, and a shark's tail and fin. He will swim faster than others, or at least eat up the faster ones and eventually win the medal.

While we wait for that to happen, we should use our present resources to try and win a medal. The operative word is 'leverage'. In a country where great athletes like Major Dhyan Chand Singh die in poverty, there is no hope for budding athletes, and given the present international scenario, you have to give up your job and prepare full time in order to excel.

So, there are 2 vital facts to be considered for planning the elusive Olympic gold.
1. No boy/girl has yet been reported to have been born with gills, a shark's fin and tail, and maybe teeth.
2. There is no hope for your athletes to make a living out of what they want to do.

The first fact, we cannot do anything about, it is the second one, my dear Watson, that has a hidden clue in it. We must look for people with similar situation as point 2 in order to find the right candidate for training (lets call him "the 1"). And who comes to mind? C'mon, its easy to guess, all you have to do is watch TV or read the papers. It's a convict! You see, convicts have - let me slightly misquote myself - "no hope to make a living doing what they do". These poor bastards face a social stigma, as well as a term in a jail cell which does not allow them to pursue their professional practice.

I don't know about you, but most find it really difficult to commit rapes and/murders while they are lodged in prisons. Most convicts, however do develop good sprinting abilities to escape gay rapists who are lodged in the prison as well. (going tangential here: In my opinion rapists should have a separate prison for them. If a person was so frustrated that he ended up raping a man/woman, we can be pretty sure that inside the prison his frustration is only going to increase, and he will end up raping anyone in sight who can be raped e.g.Mr. Sanjay Suri in the movie Bas ek pal. An ideal solution would be to have a separate prison for rapists where they can have the crime they inflicted upon others painfully inflicted upon them daily.)

Ok, back to the point I was making. So we have established that we have some young convicts who can wrestle people down (rapists e.g. Santosh Kumar Singh) - wrestling, get a bulls eye with the pistol (e.g. Manu Sharma) - pistol shooting, punch the life out (e.g. Navjot Sidhu) - boxing and numerous others, whose talents are to be recognized in the right light. The 1 would readily agree to train and participate because the alternative is usually not an attractive one, and also because he would continue to do something that he cannot live with out.

There is one niggling issue though, we would have a rather tough time getting these guys their visas, as they would flunk the guidelines. Maybe if we could make visas for convicts a part of the new deal with the US......

The party!

2006-12-18T04:04:00.000-08:00

Mann got a camera along. Thanks to him we have some pictures for the do. Here they are.

No one puked, no one got hurt => in my opinion not a bad party

Overdue blogs

2006-12-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

I am busy with the new pub that is opening very soon. There are 2 really wicked blogs in the pipeline, excuse me for being lazy.

AND wish me all the best

Latest marketing gimmick: Women's mud wrestling - live!

2006-11-30T05:25:00.000-08:00

Great ideas are not created by diligence. They are created via a stroke of inspiration, which itself has no shared DNA with diligent efforts either. Inspiration (as name suggests) comes in the company of great people. And a great person is called a stud.

In short I got an idea when I last met the guy. He is heading a startup (iTasveer) that is the next big acquisition in the making. We were having a discussion about marketing strategies when I got the following idea. And what better medium than the internet to test it (and potentially give it away for free).

The gimmick: A female on female mud wrestling match. You can get put up banners of your product, or make passes available subject to people purchasing your products. If its a bra, you can talk about its strength (I dunno if that wud help sales), if its a soap, they can have a shower after they wrestle, if its an oil, they can slowly apply it to their glistening legs, if its a digital photo publishing site, you can order prints for the above activities.

How to pull it off without going to prison: Suppose your company is based in states X (eg. Haryana). Create pseudo event management consultants (hire two biharis from muzaffarpur) and using their name hold the event. Do not forget to invite the local SHO and have his picture clicked with the wrestlers. Because you hired someone to do a 'promotion event' specifying in the contract (to the 2 biharis from muzaffarpur) that they are the ones who'll face the music in case of trouble, and more importantly because you do it in a state different from the one your company and residence is in, you can breathe easy.

What about the wrestlers?: Good question. Where will YOU find two hot women ready to mud wrestle in front of you when even Rana has been able to manage it only once in his life (remind me to blog this later). The solution to this problem is there thanks to my IIT experience. No I am not going to produce androids. In IIT we used to have something called fuccha (fresher) skits. There used to be some elements that were always there in these skits, one of them being a babe. The babe would be a chikna fresher, who was fair, and with some waxing, 36D sized bra, two water filled balloons, loads of red lipstick and a short skirts would give any Reddy/Basu (the fats alleged 'hotties') a run for their money. As these guys would already be covered in mud, no-one would find out. And if the law ever tries to catch you (there is nothing illegal in the above- mentioned activity, not a shred), you can say you had male wrestlers, and its people's fault to think otherwise.

I think of everything.

Retirement

2006-11-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Man, life's a real tough nut. I was having a nice breakfast conversation with dad about career options, and what all I would not want to become (its an easy conversation. I go on about why I wanna quit my job and not do anything. He doesn't hear me and concentrates on the newspaper and his toast).

Last week, while going through the drill, I had just said "There's still lots of time for me to decide what to do" when I chanced upon a news article about Ian Thorpe(do). The article put me into a brood. The man is 24, and is retiring. RETIRING! Here I am, same age, 2 college degrees and telling myself that I have time to plan my career, and this guy (multiple records and medals) is announcing his retirement.

You see, for us Indians, the concept of retirement does not exist. The concept here is more aptly defined by the word expire. You can assess this by just skimming through the headlines for a few days. When the news about come celebrity - sopping to do what he used to do - makes it to the mass media, it is usually about some scam, or someone expiring (or being chucked out of the team for the nth time)or going to the prison (laloo, shibu soren etc.). While growing up, we see our public role models pull out cheap stunts to rake in extra moolah and hold on to the 'seat' (90 year old ministers, kapil dev bowling slow medium, Rishi pot belly Kapoor romancing damsels his daughter's age onscreen). Its usually an act of god (or in some cases strong public will) that gets rid of them.

In contrast we have people like Ian Thorpe, who are announcing retirement @ 24! When did that last happen here?

Oh shit, is that Rekha doing a song and dance number on TV!?

Before they remake Zanjeer

2006-11-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

some moments in these old movies are superb.
Vijay (or whatever amitabh was called in the movie) comes out of the prison and goes to meet his foe 'teja' (ajit). He follows him to a five star restauraunt, where he is having soup.
Vijay:"Teja main jail se baahar aa gaya hoon, aur tujhse milne aaya hoon"
Teja (after sipping another spoonfull of soup):"hello" (then sips another spoon of soup and forgets vijay!

Pain and fear

2006-11-21T21:52:00.000-08:00

Pain and fear feed off each other. No I am not talking about physical manifestation of these through any of our five primary senses, I am talking about the manifestation via other means.

Its amazing how you can physically feel emotions. A mixed bag of pain and fear can really make you feel their weight on your heart. You can feel every melancholy beat, every breath is deep, there's no way to concentrate and there is some sort of fatigue in your limbs.

There is fatigue on your thoughts as well. I have been unable to write anything that can make someone laugh, or a least smile for a while now. A moribund dear one could not impact me more than a moribund relationship has.

And I'm not sure if it is indeed decaying, I just think it is. And that feels like a million tons. The what ifs are numerous, and they have no answers, at least at the moment.

I am more worried about what will follow. Such feelings have only two replacements. First, and the more prevalent, one is a lasting feeling of emptiness, only permeated by waves of sadness. I am not worried about this one though. I am worried about the other one. The one that I know I am more likely to experience. The one that affects more than just me. Anger. Anger that with time morphs into mistrust. morphs into deceit. Into emotional inertness.

Then I will be the perfect person. Devoid of emotional distraction, the energies and time are spent at work. At superficial socializing. The smiling without meaning it. You succeed at work, you succeed in life. Let me rephrase that. You succeed in civil life, the animal in you dead.

I despise such people, even if I degenerate into one sometime. It is death.

Kashmir issue

2006-11-21T02:16:00.000-08:00

The Kashmir problem has been dogging us for a while now. What is more nagging is the issue of militancy. Heavens knows that the Pakistanis cannot get this land through war (else they would have done that already), and thus it is upto us to do the integration of the regions with the rest of the nation.

The problem is a tough one because the law accords a special status t the region. Also it is not permissible to a non-Kashmiri person to go there and buy some land. These 2 provisions have together created a state commercial machinery that is useless and also discourage investments from outside of the region. Such a beauty being laid to waste by some unscrupulous idiots.

The solution to the above problem is simple. Take away the special status without compromising the security needs, and then allow others to come in and purchase property. Given the potential to do farming, very soon the place would be swarming with the sardars and jats, who would take care of the local law and order themselves. At the higher levels, the reliances of the world would come in and put up shop. As soon as that happens, they would venture out to see what business can they profit through bribery and deceit, and thus would hire the 'naughty' people from the valley and give them other tasks, thus taking away talent from the recruiters across the border (who have no competition at the moment when it comes to hiring). Maybe if they feel their business is threatened, they will find a way to bribe Musharraf and bring peace to the place.

Where's that Nobel?

Latest invention : foolproof system for verification

2006-11-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

To make for foolproof identity verification, first came fingerprinting. Smart Hollywood directors then came up with ways to ‘play’ the technique. Among things used was carrying some chopped off hand or fingers to the sensor.

The next step was retina scans, and once again, these were touted to be foolproof. This time the workaround was carrying the head of the concerned person (or eyes, depending on the badness of the villain, the hero usually gets the guard to open the gate for him).

So with these techniques already defeated, what next? It is here that I can introduce to you the latest in techniques, the asshole scan. The scan will be done via a probe that will do a 3D mapping of the person’s asshole and also, as a failsafe read the id of a pre-implanted chip. Once the two matches are OKed, the concerned lock would be opened.

I don’t see how this system can be fooled. If small parts of the body like the fingertips and the retina can be unique, then why not the asshole? And I do not foresee people moving about carrying other people’s chopped off asses to fake it.

Well, even if I don’t, but you might. So there has to be another angle. To ensure that the ass that is being scanned is that of an alive & conscious person, the sensor will work only when the person being verified would expand and contract his ass-crack muscle a few times. That ought to take care of fakes.

Then the next question you might have is about the gays who would ‘abuse’ the system. Don’t worry, I have thought that out too. Anyone who tries to use the verification for more that one minute will receive an electrical discharge of 400 volts up his asshole.

I think of everything.

King of sleazy conspiracies

2006-11-13T01:59:00.000-08:00

I have picked up a new habit. I find a sleazy and/or a conspiracy angle to most stories. The more I indulge in this habit, more I tend to enjoy myself.

Its not that it is something new that I am doing. India TV and Punjab Kesri have been on the job for a long time, and are both making money as a result. Tragically, unlike most copycats in our media industry, I am not making any money, but am attracting the ire of many a people.

For starters, I think the India team does badly on overseas tours because of all the goris they attempt to ball and all the NRI desis they then have to ball. They are simply too distracted. In case of tours to Australia and South Africa, even the crowd is a strong distraction to the guys.

I also believe that this country would function a lot better with more women in the parliament. Stop smiling feminists, its not because females would get better work done, but its because the presence of women would make the remaining male MPs attend parliament, come prepared in an attempt to sound smarter than the women and get much much more work done than they do presently. The situation would also lead to some interesting angles in politics, and make it more attractive an option to the younger generation. Admit it, a cow piss drinking morarji desai did put off a substantial bunch off politics, but DU election Candidate style booty would be an attraction.

I think the success of a heroine in bollywood is determined by the number of directors, producers, actors etc. she can bed. This is the only reason why fat ugly cows like Kajol, Rani and the gang are doing so well overall while poor frail and thin urmila had to live under the shadows of one director. I can bet my last buck on Kareena Kapur being the next fatty superstar, with her fat deposits she can manage 5 producers, where a pencil figured koppikar would need a red-bull after two.

I have seen the sleazy angle work right before my eyes in various office set-ups I have seen. Why else would I want to be the boss of my own work after giving up a well paying job? I wanna screw my employees, hehe. I will hire according to my latest whims.

Or why did my arts teacher always without fail gave better grades to girls? Infact fairer the student, higher her marks. I'm sure he had a twisted mind. Shit!

I'm a scientist, not a racist

2006-10-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a discussion with a social sciences person about the way Chinese people in general follow the rules and tend to work harder. The argument put forth to me was that its the culture, while my argument was its genetics. Of course I cannot put forth the other point of view as I don't see it too clearly, I still can put forth my point of view.

Let us start with the example of another specie. For genetic 'similarity' lets pick up a mammal. Okay, lets take a random one. Dogs. That'll do. Okay, there are different breeds of dogs, each one having its own strengths and weaknesses. These traits are fairly easy to notice, for example, a Doberman is going to bite a stranger if it feels that the stranger is getting into its territory. Or for example a rotweiler might devour you if it has an appetite. Or a chiahua would happily fit into - and stay in - the deep pocket of your Vitton. These traits vary with the breed. That is also the reason why champion dogs are cajoled into breeding more of their blood-line.

As far as the argument on culture goes, we can test it here. I agree that if you keep a Doberman in a controlled environment and train it to lick the strangers' hands and wag it's (non-existent) tail, it might. But you can be very very sure that even if you kept a Pomeranian with a bunch of bull terriers, you'll never be able to convince one into tryin and working up a bull's temper (if the terriers didn't eat the Pomeranian up first). So, as far as this species of mammals goes, culture can make a difference, but does NOT EXCLUSIVELY decide on what one becomes.

Part two of my argument is slightly philosophical in nature. Culture in a society is not something that is imposed upon all of a sudden one fine day. It is something that evolves over decades, molded by the traditions and practices of the society that this culture represents. Thus, what is acceptable becomes a major determinig factor into what makes it into the common culture. And what is acceptable or not - to simplify it - is what the dog doesn't mind doing.

different races of people are so because variations in environmental factors, available food stuff and diverse survival threats gave them different types of physical -and you would agree mental - build ups. For example people in regions with more sunlight tend to be darker. The correlation between food and appearance is of course clear. {for scientific evidence : http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/primer.html}

So my argument is that the Chinese (an dorientals in general) have a specific kind of genetic make-up. This has over time resulted in an overall culture, the response to which is general obedience of system, and a good hard-working culture, be it Japan, be it south Korea
, be it China.

My theory has usually been accused of being racist, which I also believe is the pet accusation of any social sciences person anyway. Just to clarify my stand on this, please understand that I do not look at races the same way as neo-Nazi might. My vision is usually about trying to understand why things are the way they look. This is racism - if that is what you may want to call it - but its not racism in the dirty sense.

See if you can say things like "the Dutch are generally tall", "the Chinese have shorter noses", "Jews network really well within their communities", "the Jats are rude" and so on, then my dear you already are a racist, its just that your self-righteousness does not allow you to admit it.

Why democracy hurts?

2006-10-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Very often one gets to hear the comparisons between India and China, and also in the same breath the fact that despite a fabulous head start and better ingredients, India is getting its ass kicked all over the place by the damn Chinese. When people make these comparisons people tend to overlook a very obvious fact - democracy.

And the average Ramprakash would ask: "Mr. Rana, how in heavens does democracy work as a factor here?". The question is a deceptive one. Partly because it was asked by the average Ramprakash, but also because it is counter intuitive to most (reason explained later). Its not easy, but here is my best shot at it.

If you take up a large number of people, you can probably break down the population into relative bands of intelligence. The largest number would be of least intelligence and the smallest number would be the smartest lot. Remember your class at school? There were 3-4 people out of 40 in the fray for being the topper, the rest were average and below average. And then there are those who don't even make it to the school. A big number amongst these may have the potential, but they never get the education, and remain not very bright.

Thus it can be seen that the majority of the population is not very smart. And majority means the rule of the major opinion, not the smarter opinion. This, coupled with the shrewd politicians we have, bent upon making election winning policies, usually puts things in reverse gear.

China, on the other hand, lacks the kind of democracy that we have. Their leaders shrewdly make their way up the ranks and finally become the president, PM etc. The leaders have always worked at numerous councils and committees before they make it to the big league, and thus carry some sort problem solving expertise.

The citizens have very restricted rights to go on a strike, expression of free will, destruction of public property, peeing on the roads stealing taxes etc. The corruption is still there, but not at each and every micro level.

They also lack the NGOs which stall productivity in the name of pollution control, pushing up prices and hurting our global competencies. Also, morons are shot in China, in India they become parliamentarians.

Essentially its a trade off between the two situations. Would I rather have the freedom to make mistakes, or would I rather get boxed about by the government, which will also make sure I don't make seemingly stupid choices?

I'd rather do the former.

I don't know what is wrong

2006-10-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

ah females. Its back to what appears to be one of my favorite topics. Like a typical male, I am always trying to figure em out. Its like integrating sin(x-square), you can try to do it forever ,but never succeed.

I should have read my horoscope last week before opening my mouth. I read it today after I had spent considerable time trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Both these women love me more than they love anyone else. One is my mom, the other is my girlfriend. And despite my best intentions, I have been through the ugliest part of my relationship with both of them over the past few days. Things have become so bad, that I have received threats from both for a life-long boycott of my existence.

As far as I can see, these troubles are because of my stubborn behavior in some matters and my protective by instinct and reaction nature in all matters. I know that this behavior is incorrect. I also know that they are always going to do what they think is right, but I act foolishly because I never want either of them to harm themselves in any way.

The problem with mom is simple. She sees me as a kid. I see myself as a grown up. Then in some matters she sees me as a grown up and I see myself as a kid. I have been told by numerous men, dad included, that this will remain so for times to come.

As for my girlfriend, the problem is more complex. I trust her. She trusts me. I think she does not trust me. She thinks I do not trust her. Now this situation is made worse by the fact that if I had my way, I would provide security guards to my girl, my sisters and my mom. I cant help thinking this way. And I cant stop running into trouble because of it.

I am trying to change this point of view. I am not chauvinistic. I do know that they can take care of themselves and do not need a chaperon around 24/7. But it takes time for one to make such a sea change in attitude.

All I can say is that I am trying, and I don't want to lose anything here before I get the formula right.

guys, I DONT need any advice from you. We are incapable of getting out of these holes.
girls, please oblige.

Something new

2006-10-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

The following is a new attempt (enabled by my new iMac core duo) at telling bakwaas stories. This one is bad for the following reasons:
1. Pictures used are 2 year old, and were taken without this purpose in mind
2. My first attempt
3. Embarrasing spellos

The standard will go up, but for that I need some interesting pictures from you guys. Please dont send pics in ones or twos, rather in bunches so that I can make a story. If there is enough input, lets see what results.
I call this one the "THE COLLEGE STORY ". You can say that this event triggered my time machine theory...

THE COLLEGE STORY...

THE COLLEGE STORY...part 1

2006-10-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

THE COLLEGE STORY...part 2

2006-10-11T05:15:00.000-07:00

THE COLLEGE STORY...part 3

2006-10-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

Airtel ki #$!! @#$ #$%

2006-09-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

Morning, 730 AM. I step into the shower, the mood is good and the jog resulted in spotting some new additions to the neighborhood. Having applying shampoo to my head, and avoiding the eyes (which I end up very painfully shampooing 99% of times, reason explained later), I start doing rendition of a good song (torturing the high notes to the extent that the kabootar that usually sits on the bathroom window after enjoying the morning worm, takes off making angry gutur gutur sounds). I had just reached the particularly tough to rendition part of like a stone where Chris Cornell croons "......I'll wait for you there aloooooone....", and was doing rather well when all of a sudden the phone tootled.

My telephone has this nasty habit of ringing at the oddest hours. It goes off during lunch almost every day, it goes off as soon as I am crossing a cop while driving, it goes off when it's my turn to bat and so on. I think that the device has a mind of its own, and a rather devilish one at that.

This instance though triggered a chain of events that I am sure some of you must have had to endure at a point of time of their shower taking lives. I tried to ignore the ring for a while, but then thought that it might be important and rushed to answer it. IT WAS AN AUTOMATIC CALL FROM AIRTEL. WHAT THE FUCK! I don't understand what pleasure do the sickos at airtel get by instructing some computer to make unsolicited calls to the customers.

The phone got wet, the house got wet, my singing got interrupted just when I was getting it right and the most infuriating of all: I shampooed my eyes yet again. I'm pretty sure that by now my eyes are bouncy, shiny, strong, dandruff free etc etc.

Has anyone have had a worse interruption?

Why the Dutch are getting taller and other related things

2006-09-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today the newspaper had an article about how the Dutch are getting taller. The article pointed out that they had out-grown the Americans and now were the tallest nation on earth with the average guy measuring 6' and the girl 5'7". The un-informed can use the fact that a couple of centuries ago the Europeans were averaging 5'6" to get a grip on their 'achievement'. The fact that the Mongols made it all the way to bang white chics after beating the shit out of shorter (at that point of time) guys kind of substantiates the fact. Also mentioned is that during the Nazi occupation during WWII, this growth was arrested.

The research attributes this phenomenon to the fact that the Dutch are getting a good protein rich diet these days in comparison. I can draw some inferences and also raise some questions from this input. First of all, I say that we must not neglect the fact that the Dutch have a fairly tolerant attitude when it comes to drugs. Thus we must not neglect the possible role opium and the likes might have played. remeber that its only recently that the Americans seem to have gotten some sort of a grip on drug trade in their territory, so this fact can substantiate my proposed link between height gain and drug usage.

The other thing that I got thinking about was that if diet contents do translate into physical attributes, then the same must be the reason behind the Chinese having small noses. I think it is because of utterly stinky food (walk through a China town in any city and "smell" the food) they eat and also the sheer lack of hygiene that Chinese have (okay I cooked up the latter, but read my Singapore blog about Chinese and poop). My assertion is that the Chinese have smaller noses, and thus smelling capabilities, and therefore if they continue their ways, this algo will go into recursion and their noses will entirely disappear. Then they will have a real nightmare using reading glasses.

And what will explain the darker Africans and Dravidian? I guess that is simple, because of too much sunlight, they get "well done" and thus carry a permanent "tan". I hope that is the reason and not that their ancestors ate something black for a couple of centuries. I think its tough luck to have generations of bad cooks who burn the food all the time for a couple of centuries, but we'll never know unless we invent the time machine.

Another question, and this one is quite fair. Why are most of the African origin men hung like ponies? Is it because their ancestors used to get confused between fair buffaloes and "tanned" women (though I've heard that AIDS came into humans from monkeys through Africa). Also, then why do the Dravidian not have a reputation for the same?

Travel tip

2006-09-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Don't even consider flying if you have a cold, unless you are a glutton for punishment

Time-off, rainfall and some business

2006-09-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

For the un-informed and the curious, the blog has been quiet or some time as a result of my absence from the country. These periods of time are typified by loads of work, binges of various kinds and time spent alone sipping an expensive that beer Belgian chocolate shake, and wondering about that thing called life. Today has been slightly different. Having almost taken care of business at hand, the only thing keeping me here is certain personal pursuits and Indian Airlines, who refuse to change my flight dates.

Across the ocean await my mother who misses me, my sister who needs a mentor, my dad who's feeling lonely shouldering the burden of expectations enhanced by my grandfather who's suddenly terminally unwell. There's my grandparents, and that clutch of cousins who are as good as real brothers. And then there is my car, scratched by a wretched call centre cab.

Once I have arrived home, I would be wondering about the one person who loves me as much as my family does, and doesn't get as much in return. Some people suffer for no rhyme, though there might me a reason.

As for Singapore, I think this city needs a giga tonne atomic bomb. It has two types of weather (hot and humid, or raining) none of which is pleasant. It has chinki (Chinese) people whose food doesn't have aroma, but a stink. As for the people, they find that stink appetizing, so you can very well imagine their rubbing some poop instead of a perfume to 'smell' good. The slow, but functional public transport is a redeeming feature though, but it will take you to some government constructed housing, which is pretty much same for everyone. The houses are nice, and definitely better than what most private builders can only dream of giving in India, but they lack identity - the individuality. There appears to be a sort of consumerism - communism in practice here.

Politically the ruling party has destroyed the opposition both politically and financially and are doing a good job of running the country, so no one should complain. The punishment for crime is harsh, and 11000 of the 4 million residents are rotting in prison (possibly after caning), fines for small crimes are back-breaking and the caning stops if you pass out, to be resumed once you've come to and healed. Japanese whippin during the world war gave them some ideas I think. I think this place is run by a school principal from North India.

I think you can pretty much gather that I won't be living in Singapore unless I was being paid millions (in dollars) or given a harem as a house. No-one would be doing that, and thus I'd be in Delhi for times to come. Home.

Apun ki to saali image main hi raada hai

2006-08-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Same person, two points of time five years apart. Same behavior, different perceptions, very different consequences.

When I ended school and started college, I was the pappu everyone wanted to send their daughters out with. The safest, most responsible guy. It was so bad that even the girls thought so, and as a result no-one would date me. I cannot remember how many times have I been by-passed for the more 'cheeky' guys, I never kept a count, thankfully, or I'd have jumped into the Yamuna.

Five years have passed. I am the same guy. I'm out of college, and have a good job. I have the same behavior, but now I never meet a friend's mom. The issue is that when girls are kind-off rebelling/asserting their freedom, they'll probably bed the guy who their parents/mom/dad are most likely to hate. Thus I don't want to run the risk of being labeled as the nice guy by anyone at their place. What I have discounted in this algo is, that now I am five years older. So are the people I know (on an average). Their expectations/wants have changed. The same behavior is now un-acceptable, but in a different sense. Now no-one would date me because they don't think that I am a stable guy.

WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

That felt good.

In fact it felt better than that feeling you get when you pee after having to hold for an hour. Which brings me to a question:
What feels better?

Pee-ing after having to hold for an hour
Orgasm
Lassi followed by massage and then sleep on a Sunday afternoon
Watching a truck run-over Ekta Kapur, and then reversing to make sure the job is done

This one's gonna be close

Globalization hits Delhi police

2006-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Usually when I am driving to some place and there isnt much traffic on the road, I like to leverage that time to make some social phone calls.This is exactly what I was doing when a diligent dutyful cop of Delhi police stopped me. He was riding a bike, with no Helmet, and tail-lights that didnt work. I gave thoughts to the fact that I would point this out to him and ask him to get lost, but thought against it after good sense prevailed. anyway, I had just come from the gymnasium and didnt have the energy to argue with the dolt.
The cop informed me that the challan was worth 2000 Rs. If I wanted an alternative settlement, there was a 50% discount rate going on. I argued that if I had to pay him a thousand bucks, I might as well pay the whole amount. Anyway, the nice cop asked the question that he was setting me up for over the past minute.

Cop: "Kitne doge?"
Me: " Aap batao, aaj-kal rate kya hai?"
Cop: "Aapki marzi hai"
Me: "Wallet dekhta hoon, lagta nahi paise hain"
Now the wallet had some 1000Rs notes, which of course I didnt want to lose. So
Me: "Main mazaak nahi kar raha, but mere paas sirf Dollars hain"
Cop: "kaunse? amreekan?"
Me: "haan"
Cop: "kitne hain"
Me (having hunted for the smallest one): "10"
Cop: "Kya rate hai aaj-kal?"
Me: "50"
Cop: "Naheen, 48 hai, chalo 10$ theek hai"

I just gave him the dollars and carried on. The incident is a good example of the pwer of globalization. I mean, if you can bribe an Indian cop in US$, you can probably swap your mediterranian cottage for a room in the Rashtrapati Bhawan.

Its not globalization, I think the term is Americanization. Mc Doanlds, Pizza delivery, sex in school, drugs, stupid driving, tissue paper (despite spicy, oily food), we are slowly but steadily absorbing the American culture in small doses daily.

10 habits of highly effective people

2006-08-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

The title has been plagiarised from a 'best seller', but there are a few differences:

Though the title is stolen, the ideas are original
That author made money, this one did not

Let me first up state that in my opinion, effective does not necessarily mean successful, but some people with the following habits might have attained some degree of success in life. Having said what the term does not mean, I will conveniently refuse to define what 'effective people' means. That probably makes this post 50 pages shorter than the book, but who gives a fuck since this is free. So, I will give you a moment to ponder and think of 3 odd people who you think are effective. Then let us honestly see how many of the following criteria do they match.

Done? If yes, I'm sure you're not too effective as you spend time giving thought to crappy blogs. Anyway, for having maximum effect on people, you gotta have these habits:

Effective people sweat a lot. Its better if it stinks. This is effective because we Indians spend most of our time in queues (lunch @ office, college mess, fee payments, bills, bus, loo... you name it, and you've probably stood in a queue for it). So people who have the abovementioned characteristics do well because they are 'effective' in queues
Effective people know when to fart. These guys really go places. They always have good personal place to work in, stand in etc etc. Also there is nothing like a well-timed fart to get rid of that bugger from you r cabin in office or that player in the kabaddi match
Effective people eat fastest on the table. This probably helps them in (2), but it also helps them to get fed on other's money, in less time, and get all the pieces of paneer
Effective people don't snore. These guys are the ones with stealth. The ability to be able to sleep through meetings, classes and prayers without getting caught is one that effective people hone throughout their lives. Photochromatic reading glasses almost lend invincibility to these fellows. I have been thrown out of class for snoring on various occasions for sleeping without a silencer, and this definitely affected my grades. The guys who didn't snore got through, and one particular example is doing a PhD as you read this
Effective people borrow intelligently. They will borrow consumables, expendables or disgustables. These things range from small amounts of money, packs of biscuits, perfume on the first two criteria to underwear on the other side of the spectrum. The plan is to never return what they borrowed, while you reverse and wear your chaddis to class.
Effective people know what balls to lick. These folks get that extra grade through diligent tongue wagging (not THAT you disgusting moron), in the praise of useless stuff. E.g. for a waste water management course, you can go on about how waste water is the essence of everything, and how Morarji Desai lived a hundred years because he got urea from source.

Of course there are 4 more, but I am sleepy. Either I'll be lucky, and someone reading this blog will drop in some more habits as comments (I will acknowledge them), or maybe I'll be able to complete this later.

I got one entry from 'Shadows'
7. effective people dont blog. But of course

Man.. I'm having a bad time

2006-08-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Dadaji falling ill, salary review gone horribly wrong and an ass assessing me according to his stupid son's feedback based on what I did in college. I'm really having a bad time.

In no mood to write further

Kahat kabeer

2006-08-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

Those who really love you are not the ones who are happy when you do big things, they are the ones who are sad when you don't do the small things

Why airplanes?

2006-08-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

All this bull about terrorists trying to blow up airplanes, or ram them into the buildings is getting a little too thick. I mean, why airplanes? There are a dozen other things you could blow up to get equally spectacular effects. If you dig a little deeper into the problem, I think I can help you understand.

The issue here is that the present day terrorists are no longer the way a classic terrorist used to be. Those with the original agendas are either old or dead. It is the youth that is running the show now. TO understand their actions, one must understand their culture. In most westernised societies, recognition comes with achievements at sport, business or in the entertainment business.

In case of the places these terrorists come from, you don't impress a GIRL by telling her that you got a touchdown in the final game. You impress GUYS (terrorists are all gays anyway, now don't argue, I've seen Syriana. They are Pakis and they are gays) by telling them how you blew up something. The bigger the better. I think the latest criteria is the number of minutes CNN gives you.

Like football, as the games and the stars and the arenas get bigger, so does the stuff in terrorism. Now you gotta blow something big, something difficult to blow up. Then you can really brag. Also, the same way that the bigger stars get the bigger contracts in sports, these terror outfits also get bigger doles if they are more famous. In effect, al-Qaida was getting the maximum amount of money before Hezbollah turned up and dis-arrayed the rankings completely. So, the latest we hear is of a terror plot to blow up planes going to the US, of course supported by al-Qaida. Now that the game has been upped, they'll fight back.

I was wondering what would be the next step. Clearly, blowing up a train would only get them terrorists some acne infested guys to hit on, so that is out. The only reason that some trains might get blown up is that there are some acne infested gays in the Arab world. I think the next step is satellites. What act can be more dastardly than blowing up the satellite carrying the Z TV signal just when the bahoo is going to reveal that she loves her husband's father's brother's son's nephew, though she has already had a couple of babies from people not seen in the series for the past 15 episodes. All the TV watching moms would be pissed, and this would result in massive bad moods all over.

I don't know how these guys would manage it, but maybe they can build huge catapults or something and shoot up some suicide bombers. Even if they miss the satellite, they might blow up a UFO, making the war intergalactic.

Issues with Pakistan and Bangladesh

2006-08-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my car was stopped by the cops a few times and searched thoroughly. The fact that I always carry a couple of changes of clothes and shoes meant that I ended up with some unclean ruffians rummaging through my stuff.

Of course this pissed me off. I know that the cops were following instructions, so I shifted my attention to the politicians and senior officers. I had only reached the mother section of expletives when I remembered that those poor guys did not have an alternative either. It was the Pakistanis and Bangladeshis that I should've been cursing in the first place. Two reasons:
1. If you gotta curse, curse Pakistan
2. It is because of their terror exports that I had to go through the security check

So, what can I, Abhimanyu Singh Rana, guy with a big name , but small capability do. Apart from cursing Musharraf's ammi to dance at the kabristan that is (learnt this gaali from a paki). I have wrestled with this problem and have turned with with a spanking new genius solution.

Of course, like most of my solutions, it has to be practical and workable. Like a true plotter, I opened up the map of the subcontinent and gave it a long grave look. I discovered that these scoundrels drank water that we had upstream access to (the Ganges, Indus and Chenab). Now that we had the delivery vehicle, we needed the weapon. And it is here that my IIT training in Biotech came in handy. So here is the plan:

In the villages along these two rivers, just before they cross the border, I will hold huge pujas. Here I will distribute prasad. Then I will contact the ISI and ask them for money to poison a thousand Indians. Having procured biological agents for dysentery and plague, I will mix them in the prasad. Now, I will leave the town and wait. Slowly the village will start feeling the need to heed nature calls. Hopefully those towns will have dhobis who will be working at the river banks. In an emergency, they will relieve themselves into the river. Their excreta would flow downstream where some Paki will be drinking that water, thus carrying plague into Pakistan, wreaking havoc and destruction all over. To enhance the spread, I will release the method of spread to the media, listening to which the Pakis will puke, thus spreading the virulent agents further.

By Toutatis, that oughtta teach em Pakis and Bangladeshis a good lesson.

Celebrity memorabilia

2006-08-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

The desi English nationals carry the most irrelevant news in their international news sections. I bet my chhed waali chaddi (that reminds me of something, let me see if I can connect that into this write-up) that no week can pass without the papers not talking about what some spears or Hilton or some actress is doing. Relevant stories like the Darfur crisis in Sudan, details on flood/cyclone in China are left out.

Some of these news, though irrelevant, can be quite entertaining. One of such varieties that occur at a reasonable frequency are the ones that talk about some celebrity stuff being auctioned, and some idiot paying bug money to get his hands on it. Well, even such behaviour would be okay, if the fan kept himself to some guitar, dress worn/torn at a famous concert, or simply an autographed picture. Where I am truly foxed are the instances where people buy stuff like "the chewing gum that britney spears chew on that day, doing that concert", or Madonna's underwear and so on.

What on heaven would one want to do with that piece of gum? Or with that underwear. I googled that fact and it turns out that the buyer was a male. I put myself in the buyer's shoes to try and understand his behavior.
possible explanation 1: He has dedicated numerous shaggas to the celebrity in question and tends to think that when his devotion is discovered, he might get a small 'reward'

possible explanation 2: he saw a TV commercial in which miss spears claimed that she sang well because of a chewing gum she chew (or maybe a sanitary napkin she wore) and the person wants to become a good singer

possible explanation 3: He is a drag queen and wants to discovered the perfect ass-cheeks see through lingerie, which Madonna was wearing in her video. He was unable to locate it in a shop, so went to the auction and bought it.

possible explanation 4: They've got the auction-ballitis. It is a rare but widely recognized condition in which the afflicted person's balls expand exponentially unless he goes to an auction and buys some useless celebrity stuff.

Luckily most of us don't fall into any of the above-mentioned categories, but since these things make it to the newspaper, all the wannabes would start doing the same. Now THAT opens up a whole new market. And this is what I recommend to address that market segment:
start collecting your baby's poop in small bottles. Who knows he might turn into the next Lennon, and you might be able to auction his poop to crazy British fans. Alternatively (and for more assured returns) start following celebrities with tupperware jars (which you hold against their arses). As soon as they have farted (put in a litmus paper in the jar, I just googled and found out that fart is acidic) close the lid. Now you can auction it to some fan.

Come on. Don't say that this last one was a crappy idea (that was the one before last). If people can buy online the chewing gum that britney spears spat out they will buy her fart too. You see, the chewed gum will not give them any sensory feeling of her, but a whiff of the fart jar will surely give them a very personal experience.

Of course, if you want to share your millions earned this way, donate that money to the blogger.com people.

this blog is still alive

2006-08-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Recently I went for a movie title yun hota to kya hota, in which there was a longish dialogue from Shah Jr. about how a a guy coudlnt crap without watching traffic go by. through some weird connections (crap => scrap => blog) i realized that I had not been writing and venting out my thoughts. What that realization did was also explain why I had been gassing so much over the past week, it was all pent up stuff which couldn't find a way out through expression.

Past couple of weeks have been quite eventful for the humanity, what with the Israelis and Hezbollah trying to out-stupid each other. In my opinion, bombing Lebanon to teach em a lesson is as effective as beating a rabid dog for having bitten you previously. The dog is going to bite you again, plus you already got rabies. You both die anyway.

A few days back, I had an interesting conversation with Mark about who the hell decided to eat a crab/lobster for the first time. I proposed that it must've been a tit-for-tat kinda person.
Person: "ouch, that fukkin crab bit me, i'll show him badly how it hurts"
crab: "wtf!"
person: "i'll catchya"
crab: "snap"
person: "ouch"
crab: "snap"
person: "ouch.... grrrr.... chomp chomp"
Person: "hey, that's tasty"

similarly, this question can be raised for a variety of food-stuff, for example, Caviar, veel, squid, beer etc. What the hell was that first person thinking? I know for sure he was french (if it moves, then it's edible), but still "WTF was he thinking"

more later, yawn..
BTW, if you are optimist, the road never ends.. i hope the person gets the message

Guys never know

2006-06-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have lost track of the number of times I have been told by a woman that I was totally unable to understand what she wanted me to do/say. The results of the above-mentioned inability have varied, from being very comic to utterly tragic. Many a times I have countered criticism by pointing out that since I can hear and she can speak, she might as well tell me what is expected of me. This usually worsens the situation though.

An example. Won't tell you who the innocent guy is, but no prizes for guessing either)Donna and homme are talking a stroll through a park called the rose garden. donna:"The weather is great today" (bat eyelash, twice)
homme:"you are so correct, you know what? This makes me feel like we should be doing something fun"
donna:"any ideas?(accompanied by that pout)"
homme:(looking at donna, thinking. one second, two seconds)"got it. Let me call the guys, this weather is perfect for playing volleyball"
Well, the guy proceeds to call up his pals, who duly turn up and they have a fantastic game. Though donna appears to be grumpy, but still hangs around watching the match. The dude doesn't notice (obviously) and thus makes the situation worse.
donna:"manyu, I'm going home"
homme:"huh.."
donna:(louder)"manyu, main jaa rahi hoon"
homme:"ok, ciao... oye meri service hai....."

it takes the poor guy a whole week of begging and pleading to find out that he has perpetrated some crime. Another few hours spent to find out what the hell happened. This point of time is what I would call the critical point. The woman never wants to punish you. She derives her satisfaction in ensuring that you feel as guilty as Germans do today about the war. as soon as she has achieved it, she forgives and smiles for the rest of the day.

what the guy does, though, is different. He thinks about telling her that she could have used one of the two common languages they speak to let him know exactly what she expected. A guy does this thing only once in life, for the reaction from the female is usually rather strong. Next time onwards he keeps his trap sealed.

I don't get it. Why must guys somehow sense what the woman wants? There are moments when she can pull off amazing feats by telling you I want a kjsdfksowe colored thing, this one is sdfjlsehf (the gibberish might be the name of an actual color, but I have no knowledge beyond the basic VIBGYOR). Why is it that whenever the expected act/dialogue was going to result in some sort of a 'nice thing' for the guy he has to sense it?

Rahul Mahajan is innocent

2006-06-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

Recently there was an incident all over the news channels about a certain moron sniffing more than he should have. The guy, SHKSDFGHS (in my honest opinion) was innocent and should be DAWDFSF (let off the hook).

Here's the true story, which you will discover has been subdued by the Chinese and the biharis.

What started out as a simple gay-coke-champagne orgy took a horrific turn thanks to delhi-wallas. Poor bastards from Mumbai probably had not heard the news about how milkmen in delhi manufacture thousands of liters of milk daily without owning a single cow/buffalo/goat/dog (or any other mammal)(a complex mixture of urea, shampoo and whitening agents do the job). Thus without warning, they went ahead and sniffed low quality, imported from china talcum powder which was mixed with gutka. Recent research at MIT has revealed that Chinese talcum powder mixed with champagne when compressed in presence of moisture can lead to nanoplosions (explosions at nano levels). So, you would ask, there was Chinese talcum powder, champagne and moisture, but where was the pressure? A jolly good question, I'm sure you did well in your first grade. The answer, my friend is kidney beans (rajma). This is where this case becomes really interesting. The cream puffs that had been invited for the orgy (and who had not been given the priviledge to sniff) had eaten Rajma-chaawal for dinner. As a result they were developing considerable amounts of Gas in their systems. As the exhaust was blocked by a valve, the pressure continued to build up. When the pressure reached critical levels, the gas went through the valve and pressurized the lungs. The combined diaphragm and gas pressure was enough to cause the nanoplosions, thus sending the poor guys to the hospital (the live one) and hell (the dead one) respectively.

Thus I must say that it is unfair to implicate poor Rahul in this case, as it is the Chinese who make such cheap talcum powder and the cook who makes rajma-chaawal for dinner who are responsible for the fiasco. The Chinese got away by threatening to disclose the list of media-people wearing fake rolexes and the bihari cooks got away because they claimed innocence by pointing out threat rajma-chaawal is a northie dish

What was the guy trying to do?

2006-06-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

We have all heard of accidental inventions, one of the most popular being the one done by a certain Mr. Graham Bell. He set out to design a hearing aid and eneded up making something which makes you need a hearing aid after prolonged use (scientific data awaited). There are various other inventions which are in use today and the unknown inventor gets blessed whenever someone realizes how useful the invention is. I have tried to make a list of the inventions and what the guy set out to do when he made the invention.

Invention: Intention
Microwave owen: Eat chocolate while repairing a radar
Telephone: Making a hearing aid, the assistant was ofcourse deaf, and we all know the result
Pesticide/Coca-Cola: Make a head-ache medicine
Latex condom: I dont wanna know, maybe some idiot trying to blow up a party baloon
69: Totally confused pair of virgins

Come with some more, people

Farewell, and thank you

2006-06-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Women in my life have had a strong influence on me. Be it my Mom, sisters or friends. One of these has been around in my life for the past couple of years. Now she has succeeded in opening a door of opportunity for her career and will be walking through it - and out of my daily life. Indirectly and unknowingly, she has taught me a few important lessons about myself and about life.

This woman has quite similar behavioral characteristics as me, and thus I was able to get a first hand view of how I am acting out my life, and thus try and tweak my behavior accordingly. As a result I suppose I have a slightly better temperament now as opposed to ready to pick a fight attitude earlier. Statistically I have not had a slugfest during the past one year, and the way things are going, it seems I might be able to stretch this record for another few months.

I have also been taught a lesson in handling women as such. I used to have no distinction in the way I treated everyone barring the few usual exceptions that have similar DNA or are close pals. It seems that it is important to 'appear' that you care, even if you may not. With time the practice becomes a habit and people generally start being happy with you. I guess it is no use being a 'chaudhry' in a relationship.

Another lesson that I have learnt is that it does not hurt to have few non-intersecting sets of pals, you a relatively immune to loneliness.

One lesson that I have not learnt is how to cook fantastic food. To those who may assume from the above statement that I can cook are mistaken. Perhaps I should say that I have failed to learn to cook, despite opportunities being there.

Now she is going, leaving behind a void. I guess its tougher for the one who is leaving as it is that person who leaves behind everyone and everything, while the rotters have each other for support.

Very shortly, I will have to get into a social overdrive in an attempt to beat being lonely. Besides her a few good friends too are leaving for the reason to try and create a career/get an education. Even though I do not spend bucket loads of time with them, I find comfort in the thought that If I need them, I just need to pick up the phone. One positive of the situation can be that I can immerse myself into my work and actually make something out of the template that I still am.

I would, though like to end this one by saying that I would like to thank this elegant lady for being there as a good friend when I needed one, and wish her all the best for her future.

You should be dancing.......

2006-05-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

The line from the beegees song gives me a pain-helplessness combo whenever it flashes through my mind or I hear it. Because in this world only three types of guys are successful: Niggers, Rich ones and finally, those who dance well.

Ignorance is bliss. And that is the exact state I was in a few days ago. I thought I was a small chhakka when I was none of the two categories of successful guys I knew about (hope there aren't more than 3). Then a good friend pointed out hoe seemingly looser people had danced their way to success while I thought I was a stud if could solve I.E. Irodov problems. (FYI, IIT broke that illusion. 1. solving these problems CORRECTLY makes u a stud. 2. The kind of girls whom u can impress are the ones who lie on border of being called she-males.). A certain Mr. Vadhera is the prince of the country today as a result of his gyrations at the dance floor at the Djinns, while a certain female in the US has been snared up by a Mr. Federline - a professional nachaniya. There are also numerous stories about various parties and clubs where I have been to (and back) without much results.

The problem after getting to know about the third category is that the personal ego took a hit. Uptil that point I was a small chhakka, being none of the two categories, now I am much worse being none of THREE categories. It hurts especially bad when the guy you beat to pulp in school, called gay for going to salsa classes, and rebuked when he tried to make friends, becomes the leading salsa instructor, and is being begged by every girl in the pub to teach a move or two, while you down your Jack Daniels - alone and solemn.

Feel bad for (majority of) my fellow IITians - I was the Dance and dramatics rep for a while for my hostel :(
Girls, be sympathetic, we don't dance not because we are boring, but because we simply can't.

Control freaks

2006-05-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

Our society tends to take moral policing to new heights. (Almost) Everyone is a jackal-hyde kind of a person with two sides to him. When talking to each other people will whine about the low waist jeans the teenager buying ice-cream is wearing, then the same people would shamelessly stare down her butt-crack when she sits down on a bench, and then intentionally pass from behind it.

The issue has been going on for a long time. Politicians and religious leaders make appearences (unknowingly, hopefully) in videos that would give established porn stars a run for their money, then they proceed to blast away FTV for broadcasting sleaze. The instinct to act as everyone's apa seems t be intutive.

A part of the India TV led sleaze news section today was the bit about Rakhi Sawant being served a warrant by kohlapur police for indecency in public place. The lady was quite correct in her reply that the buggers who came in to watch the show after shelling out big bucks were there to watch some skin and some dance, not for a bhajan, but who cares. The media played their part by running the said video in a loop while some news anchor went on repeating the same sentence ten times in order to give the 'sleazy' video good airtime.

Then we have the case of the way hostel room access is controlled in IIT Delhi. IIT professors are worse than most when it come sto beign 'control freaks'. It makes no sense in trying to regulate guest's access to the rooms in a place which - arguably holds te country's finest. I mean, even if someone ends up reproducing, its for the betterment of the overall gene pool, isnt it? Plus if we are old wenough to vote, we are entitled to fusk around if we wish to- or in milder and more realistic terms, wit in our rooms with a few friends if we so desire.

The story of modern India, Chapter I : Socialism

2006-04-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

After the recent news around reservation in elite colleges of India sent me through the usual cascade of emotions. The first one was anger. I fail to how can anything apart from merit be a parameter for success - reflected in this case by admission to elite colleges and reservation in jobs. With time the anger phase got over and I tried to analyze how come do we find ourselves in such a soup. What I can understand, I am writing here. The reason is not simple, and therefore I will explain myself over 3 posts.
This is the first chapter.

Socialism in the Indian context

India gained freedom from England in 1947. I am not using the word won, I am using the word gained. The fathers of our nation did their bit to understand follow non violence - even if that meant at the cost of allowing the likes of Bhagat Singh hanged. The British kept them in good humor by holding conferences (on round tables, rectangular tables and what not) named after the shape of table they were held on. Genius stroke. The favor was returned by assurance that the struggle would not turn violent, instead for every Indian butt cheek they kicked, they'd be offered the other one.

Our leaders though, were not dumb. After a couple of decades of such meetings and exchanges, GandhiJi came up with a master idea - one that is still being followed by almost all of the Indians. Its the kind of ingenuity the Gujjus are famous for anyway. He requested the Indians to stop paying their taxes. Genius. Had he asked them to go on a hunger strike , he would have found himself in the company of a few foggies and some diet conscious women. But he appealed to what Indians respond to best: Not paying taxes. As a bonus it was labeled as patriotism. Hats off.

Anyway, India became a cost operation instead of revenue operation and the British left after they had taught us English and laid down the foundations of our railway lines. GandhiJi had done it. I am sorry not too many people use the word genius when they refer to him. Now two things happened which doomed India forever. The first thing is appointment of Jawahar Nehru as our Prime Minister instead of the deserving Sardar Patel. The second is asking Dr. B.R.Ambedkar to pen down our constitution.

J.L.Nehru was a stud boy. The typical Hindi film hero is based on him. He romanced the thakur's wife (poor Lord Mountbatten) and formed his own form of Socialism. Hegel and Marx would have turned in their graves seeing what unfolded. He also nursed the ambition to win the Nobel peace prize and in the process of trying to earn it, gifted us the present Kashmir situation as well as gave Mr. Patel a massive heart attack.

B.R. Ambedkar had been thrown out of class for being rowdy and not doing his homework. He attributed that to his being from a lower caste and vowed to set things right. When given the task of writing the Indian constitution (people will correct me here by telling me that it was the Cabinet Committee which did the job, but let me tell you the BR Ambedkar was a part of the team), he copied and pasted from as many constitutions as he could lay his hands on, with the only value addition being the formal introduction of reservation and casteism into the constitution. As a result we find ourselves back in the feudal age.

The British represented pure capitalism, thus it is understandable why our leaders embraced the opposing ideology (while they still wore suits tailored in London). Plus nothing generates as much mass appeal as a Socialist/Populist leader. Back them it was a hot idea too.

Over the years we have had leaders who have wanted to make a mark in the Indian history. The means that they use are the same as that of their political forefathers: populist measures, reservation, slogans like garibi hatao. What we, as citizens of India must understand is that these things are nothing more than being penny wise - pound foolish. Cheaper train fare translates to pathetic train services, losses due to poor maintenance and more tax a few years down the line to repair the above two.

Free electricity to farmers, incompetent oil majors, ailing airlines, bad roads, losing over half of our electricity to theft.... All these are results of random populist measures. The basis for policy making remains two fold:
1. Populist announcements for the majority (reservation, free power etc.)
2. Tax the rich and the middle class

It would be okay if their real objective was to bring in equality, but sadly that is not the case.

The size of India's middle class is increasing faster than India's population. These people pay majority of the taxes, have jobs, and are bringing in the FDI which is getting our roads made. What the middle class needs is education and jobs. If half of these were to be given away to the less deserving candidates, we will be stuck at the Hindu rate of growth. Let me rephrase it. We will be stuck at the Chamaar phase of growth.

The story of modern India, Chapter II : Reservation

2006-04-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Thus by survival of the fittest, the militant type of society becomes characterized by profound confidence in the governing power, joined with a loyalty causing submission to it in all matters whatever." Herbert Spencer, coining the term "Survival of the fittest"

"Can it, then, be thought improbable, seeing that variations useful to man have undoubtedly occurred, that other variations useful in some way to each being in the great and complex battle of life, should sometimes occur in the course of thousands of generations? If such do occur, can we doubt (remembering that many more individuals are born than can possibly survive) that individuals having any advantage, however slight, over others, would have the best chance of surviving and of procreating their kind? On the other hand, we may feel sure that any variation in the least degree injurious would be rigidly destroyed. This preservation of favourable individual differences and variations, and the destruction of those which are injurious, I have called Natural Selection." Charles Darwin
The abovementioned quotes were not made by a politician seeking votes, nor by a shudda seeking equality. These were made by learned men, the kind who influence learning, who discover electricity, who find cures for diseases, who make the economies efficient.

People in power have more often than not had some traits that others don't have. These people are natural leaders, speakers, athletes, mathematicians etc. Some of it may be attributable to upbringing, but there is a big genetic factor too. If you ponder about it, you'll be surprised to notice how many personality traits you have inherited from your parents apart from your looks. It is a controversial statement to make, but there certainly are a few things you are born with, they in your blood.

Success can be defined as the results one can obtain given the resources one has at disposal. Those blighted with extremely limited resources should, therefore make the wisest use of them in order to be successful, and gain more resources. These resources, can then be used to gain a position of strength.

India is in such a situation. We have had the potential for decades (or so is claimed by our politicos), but we have nothing to show for it. The first reason is our embrace of socialist systems when we started out as a nation free to do as it will. Socialism is the exact opposite of the theory of evolution. It strives to create a society which gives equal rewards regardless of efforts/ability to make efforts. There are countries like New Zealand which realized they were wrong in good time, and turned around. There is China, which is becoming part capitalist, and reaping immense benefits of its people realizing their true potential and performing accordingly. And there is us.

I believe we have (okay we had) better resources than China in the beginning. We spoke English, had a freer economy and freedom of expression (well.. for most of the time). Our potential was punctured by the populist measures taken by our power class. They have been using our limited resources to try and appease the various castes.
First it was the scheduled castes and tribes. They get 27% (appx) reservation in govt jobs and colleges. Plus faster promotions. Then there is another 22%(appx) for the OBCs. Every year, before elections, one of two sizeable castes are declared OBCs. Its so ridiculous that Pandits in Rajasthan are OBCs.

What is also a well known fact is that whatever the Congress party may try, the chamaars will vote for Mayavati. She is their leader and tries (or pretends) to work for them in-between making hundreds of crores. The Yadavs will always vote for Mulayam Singh and Lalu Prasads (and the likes). Congress has no hope of getting these votes. Those who have been voting for congress (Jhuggi waalas and Upper castes) will now vote for BJP (please god, we want an alternative to these guy too). So, it doesn't help their cause. They'd better try and resolve huge problems like Delhi MCD etc.

The way reservation should work is on the basis of economic strata. I have seen people drive in fancy cars to school, then get admission to IIT (despite candidly admitting not being good enough). On top of that they do not have to pay their fees. Now some of these students had the same tuitions, School and education that I had. On the other hand I have seen some students in General category who were from families with limited resources. They are already at a disadvantage to those who can afford tuitions. The disadvantage is made worse by the reservation based on caste system. These students then pay complete fees too. So what reservation effectively does is give advantage to rich SC/ST and general students. Fuck equality. Screw fairness.

Had these downtrodden, who constitute majority of our population been good enough for being the ruling class, they would have BEEN the ruling class. Is there a chamaar regiment in the army? Have they won ANY bravery medals? Have you seen a sprinkling of genius shuddas (barring a few exceptions)? There HAS to be a reason why they found themselves in the situation they were in at the beginning of the era of Indian independence, and I say the reason is in their blood. You can educate ten generations, and it would be as good as burning money, because the benefits of reservation would always go to the offsprings of the ones who got the benefits the previous time around.

Anyway I don't give a rat's ass as to what happens to these people. I have two concerns.
1. If I need a medical procedure, I will have to get it dome from someone who failed the preliminary exams for being a vet. If you just look at the scores? Kya kabhi bandar ke haath mein talwaar dee jaati hai?
2. If we make them IIT, IIM, IAS, IPS etc, WHO'LL CLEAN THE TOILETS? Arjun Singh? VP Singh?

The story of modern India, Chapter III : Whats next?

2006-04-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Its time for another interesting analogy.
I say that the upper castes in India are in a situation where the Jews found themselves in Europe a few decades ago. They are (generally) successful, rich, envied and blamed for much they had nothing to do with. Worse, the upper castes in India are generally better looking and take regular showers (as compared to shuddas). So after centuries of deserved ass whippin, the shuddas have been rescued by - ironically the invention of the intellectual - democracy.

How amazingly have the sources of power changed. From brawn (mongols invading shorty Europeans) to technology (white man kickin world -including mongol- ass) to sheer numbers (China kickin everyone's ass). Jiski laathi uski bhains is long lost in utility. The true power today lies in numbers. Jiski abaadi uski bhains.

Democracy gives absolute power to the idiots everywhere, simply because the idiots are large in number everywhere. They should start taking weighted averages of votes w.r.t. people's IQs.

The true situation today is that these SC/STs are a huge chunk of our population. They have the numbers to decide the outcome of polls. Thus the whole packages of election promises are always directioned to them. Time is not far when they will have absolute control over this country. That disaster will leave us with few options.
1. Large scale recruitment and nationalization of Ranveer sena, hopefully with a name change. These shuddas have no aukaat to put up a fight, and we can have fun putting foot to dirty ass. This country is headed towards a civil war. Time will prove me right.
2. We try and set up an Aryan state somewhere in north India.
3. Go abroad and get settled, lose our identity and never come back.

I am saddened that the third option seems to be the best one at the moment. My friends know that Leaving the country for good is the last thing that I would EVER want to do. My whole ideology has changed. The country that my ancestors built is being handed over on a silver platter to those who cannot keep their mouth closed and spittle under control when they chew their food.

There already have been enough signals to idiots like me that we are not wanted here anymore. The first signal was when our lands were confiscated and given away to these bastards. It took my family 5 generations to build what we had. We were farmers. We treated our labor decently. And it was all gone in one government order. I had to put up against tough competition to get into a good college, these bastards walk in if they can say 2+2=3. I will try and get good jobs (private, govt. is not an option anymore), pretty soon we will have reservation there too. The only place, ironically - and thankfully - where these people have never wanted reservation is the armed forces. They want us to defend what is fast turning into a chamaar nation.

I am a minority here. The taxes I pay will not go towards making a good future for my kids, but to educate a bunch selected not on the basis of merit. Do I look like a fukking idiot. If these assholes want something they might as well bloody earn it. I will pay my taxes to Pakistan, but not to the Indian government. As soon as its upto me, I will sell off all that I have here and move to Australia. If I am going to be troubled on the basis of race, I'd rather have a white man do it to me, not some chamaar.

Guys who lost it

2006-03-25T12:25:00.001-08:00

There have been so many guys through history who seem to have lost it when they were at the top of the world. Lets prepare a list, then we'll give it to the british tabloids which will publish any list as long as it has one of the following innit: John Lennon, David Beckham, Aston Martin, Liz Hurley.

Here are my entries:
1. Michael noseless Jackson
Turned white artificially, pedophile. (Divergent thought: As a punishment pedophiles should be gotten raped by mules so that they realise how bad what they do is)

2. George Michael
Turned gay AFTER he topped sexiest man on earth list (again made by some brit tabloid)

3. Ganguly
Didnt retire, danced in the Hero Honda advert

Additions welcome

The art of cooking

2006-03-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

I say there are two kind of males in the world:
1. Who cook
2. Who only eat

I was wondering why is the ration between these two varieties not the same as that for the women w.r.t. cooking, but is same as woman on diet:woman who will eat.

Those who DO cook (note: I'm not talking about those who CAN cook) are chhakkas (exception: daddies who cook while their wives change the diapers).

And those who only eat:
The answer that males (like me, variety 2) tell the females to make them happy about doing the extra work is that cooking is a delicate art, only women have the instinct, you have an inbuilt ability, blah, blah blah, blah blah blah..... They say this so that the woman feels happy doing the cooking while you are watching soccer on TV or simply dozing.

Let me tell you the true reason. The reason is that we would not be concerned doing something as trivial as preparing a meal while we can either sleep or watch TV or whatever. Cooking is a fukkin boring job, and its worse if it involves cutting onions. So I am happy to let the donkey do the running while it feels its actually a horse.

To prove my point let me take the example of gourmet chefs. When you visit a restaurant next time, visit the kitchen or tell the waiter you want to meet the chef and tip him. Alternatively do a google search. You'll find that the overwhelmingly majority of the chefs are males. The reason is that cooking in a restaurant is a professional career option (though I think that any kid who wants to be a chef when he grows up is a gay - the receiver, not the giver of services).

C'mon I know you'll compliment her average efforts just so that she's happy doing it the next time too. As for the second part (doing the dishes) the Indian food comes to the rescue. Its so fukkin oily that we can be let off for doing a lousy job.

And bless the guy who told some woman that the way through a man's heart is through his stomach. Two advantages:
1. Women will cook for you if you just say the above line a few times during conversations, just don't make it very obvious. For e.g.
Woman :Do you remember what day is it today?
Man: The way through a man's heart is through his stomach.
Woman: Today is our 2nd anniversary.
Man: I like lotsa onions in my food, finely chopped.
2. I haven't heard of too many successful women surgeons, they all fail the exam when they put the ears against the patient's belly to measure his heart rate. Its worse if the stomach growls and they report a 10000 beats per minute figure!

N.B.
Guys, I like my food with lotsa onions, hehe.
Girls, don't get offended. I think the women in my life let me behave this way because they love me so much, and know that I love them too, and let them show their love for me by cooking great food for me.

Only in India

2006-03-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days I have seen two faces of India. The first one was from an American's point of view. ABC is doing a two episode jig which basically says that India's gonna put some serious foot to world ass. Sounds good, coz I will be a part of that foot. Its good to think this way, I like it. Lets make it happen. The face I saw was beautiful. It commanded respect. Watching it makes me satisfied.

But this blog is about something else. Not the first face, definitely not. I am in no mood to write a Manoj Kumar speech kinda blog. Let me talk about the other face I saw.
This face is sinister. There's a tinge of Hyde in it.

The trigger for this reaction:
Miss India contest 2006.
The show is made a reality show. Contestants get to vote each other out. They don't even count the votes and send off the best girls in the initial rounds.
A couple of girls are planted into the show (The eventual winner Neha Kapur and an also ran V Verma). All of a sudden the show has 5 models from the same agency in it!!! Trust Rana when he says that the winner this time around is a big, BIG raand. Man, I've seen how she conducts herself. Also she has had nasal plastic surgery, which is an automatic disqualification in beauty pageants, but who cares!!!

Guys, my personal opinion about anyone who wants to contest a beauty pageant is not very high. But I still believe that the contest should be fair. Even though they are idiots, there are a 100s of girls who want to live the dream of representing their country. I think the best candidate should get the accolades. This is NOT done.

This face is ugly because it was so easy for a 3 year old agency to fix Miss India!!! Fukkin ridiculous! I am saddened by the increasing realization that everything here now has a price. We are becoming the west trying to beat it.

Just imagine, this is one thing that we know of that is getting fixed. What about the defense deals? What about the Manu Sharmas, the Gujarat culprits? These people were at least accused. What about the others?

This country needs someone to come up and do the dirty work of cleaning up. We need to wake up in the morning, read the paper and display pleasant surprise upon discovering that one of the guys mentioned above was found in a few pieces. We need someone to cleanse the land of the Manu Sharmas and the likes. We don't need a hero. No. But we do need to put in the fear of god into these people.

If we let these people carry on, the lawlessness trickles down. Manu Sharma gets away after coolly blowing the brains out of a lass who rightly (and foolishly) refused to serve him drinks. Sushma Puri (ex pimp) flouts all rules and gets a raand (fav employee of an ex pimp) selected as the Miss India. "Where is my share of crime?" Is what the taporee on the street thinks. Then he proceeds to eve-tease, to molest, to rape and to murder.

Where is MY share?
Its out there for the taking, my social position allows me one filmfare, 2 rapes and a murder. Not much.
Moral dilemma: Do I take it?
.
.
.
No. No I will not take it. This is no hindi movie, I am no Sunny Deol, but I pledge to do my bit in my own way. I am not afraid to do it alone. We need to make these people think twice before they do what they do.

So, here is the solution. Let us start collecting money. We then hire ex KGB to teach me how to kill, how to cripple. Then let us identify the targets. Let me finish them off. Haven't you heard how the shepherd's dog controls the sheep? It identifies the strongest sheep and scares the shift out of him. Help me do the same to these people.
Let there be hope in Delhi, serenity in Kashmir (this would need overseas travel) Let there be no repeats of Gujarat, no thoughts about Ayodhya chapter 2. Let the women be safe, let the criteria be talent, not money, not pussy.

Let us overcome the Hyde.

Science fiction

2006-03-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

Time travel is a dream which is (thankfully) still far from becoming a reality. My take on time travel is that the actions carried out by the people in the past were a result of the situations that they were handling. They were not looking at things with the same prism as we do today. Thus it will be (in most cases) a bad idea to go back and change anything. As for making money, if you had enough money to fund your research, Hugh Hefner would give you a front door key to his mansion anyway.

So, if we can't stop time, what is the next best thing? We can pause it. Temporarily. Effectively slow it down.

How?
Do we need a PhD in modern physics to understand Rana's theory? The answer to that, my dear boy is no, you don't. You just need some common sense. As for the application, we need cooperation form almost whole of human population.

Here's how it will work.

All the males stand with their veeners pointing towards the west. All the females positions themselves so that if their efforts are not perfectly vertical, any horizontal direction is pointed towards the west. Now at the same moment, everyone pee with all the force their bladder can muster. The horizontal pee will provide thrust against the earth's rotation, while the vertical pee will induce upthrust to the pee'er, effectively reducing the mass of the earth for that moment, thus increasing the effect of the horizontal thrust. (NB: to all those mechanics studs, koi zaroorat nahi hai theory ko dissect karne ki)

This way we will, hopefully be able to slow down the earth enough to make the day 25 hours long over the next decade.

Write a good comment, I might mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech.

Long time no write

2006-03-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

I can only justify the title by saying that I am going through the most productive phase of my life. No, I am not fathering babies... the kind of production I am talking about is the variety that deals with career, money and other un-necessary shit. I am also gaining weight by the ton. Damn.

On the way to the office this morning, I was stuck in the MG road traffic jam (as usual). The weather was good and I was humming ....Heal the world...make it a better place... when I was violently jolted back to reality. It appears that for some as yet unknown reason, the person driving the Indica behind me had decided against using his break pedal and had fancied my car's petit Japanese ass instead. As a consequence I found the rear bumper in a state of ill-health. Then I surprised myself.

Those who know me would bet 100:1 that I must've decided to bash the fellow to pulp, but instead I found myself calm. I said hota hai, accepted his apologies and left! Not bad. Or is that not good? Tell me guys.

2029 flash-forwarded

2006-03-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

Flash-forward n
A literary or cinematic device in which a future event is inserted into the normal chronological order of a narrative.

I was thinking today where do I want to be 10 years from now. And thinking not just professionally, but also what personal milestones I want to have achieved. Let me take a jab at it.

March 3rd, 2029.
Dear Diary,
Today was a very typical day. I woke up to the ring of the cell phone. I glanced at the wall clock (Vintage, used to be Napolean's palatial bedroom, procured at Sothby's) and upon seeing it report 930, cursed under the breath as to who would be desperate enough to call so early in the morning. It was Mann Singh!

It had been a few weeks before I had last talked to the good man. The occasion then had been the naming ceremony of his sixth child (he never had any respect for contraceptives), and I and Anant had flown in (in my spanking new supersonic gulfstream, nowadays lent to my good friend, the Sultan of Brunei) from Delhi. We had only had a few hours to shop for gifts in Paris (by the way Anant found that quite wasteful, especially after his wife called in and asked him to pick up somethin from Gucci), but we managed reasonably. Das had also been there, with his Egyptian wife and five sons.

Mann sounded disturbed. It was about Das.
I : "Don't tell me he got caught up in a cyclonic storm"
Mann : "No man, he got picked up by the homeland security and shipped to Guantanamo"
I : "What!!!"
Mann : "Apparently his wife's distant cousin in Cairo was a cracker manufacturer. And She had sent him an Id mubarak SMS three years ago"
I : "Fuck. Let me see what we can do. Have you talked to the president?" (Mann had fostered close ties with the politicians around the world after they had all rushed him to congratulate him over both his Nobel prize winnings, one each for cure of cancer and spasmosis.)
Mann : "I did that, it will take a few hours."
I : "Someone's gotta do something about that man. Will talk to Anant about it." (He is, after all the Indian rep. in the Security Council)

I pressed the buzzer to initiate the usual morning routine. Cindy, Svetlana and Chun Li walked in for the shower, Morning BJ and telling me the schedule for the day. While dressing up, I noticed that I had worn the shirt thrice already and instructed Chun Li to call up Versace to fix that.

I then called up the General in Pakistan, there was a slight labor problem in my opium plantations in Afghanistan, and this was precisely what I paid him to tackle.

Had a pleasant breakfast with Xxxxx. He told me that the research on the new flu drug was nearing completion. This means more work, I will have to make sure that there are outbreaks of the flu all over the world at the right time. Then we can sell as many flu shots as we can make.(Of course you know that I and Xxxxx jointly head Opportune biotech Inc).

Next up was pappi, who informed that he had bought a few billion pounds worth of put options in the Pound, and I could go ahead with the release of the video of the British finance secretary, which would effectively wreck havoc at the market, and earn us a few hundred millions. I called up Achal (he is a top investment banker, though marred by controversy for thrice being imprisoned for beating up his kids for not remembering the length of the red fort's walls) to start buying stocks of Mittal steel.... We had a small windfall coming in.

Rest of the day was spent tossing up ideas with Sud about the upcoming production starring the (oh delectable) Miss Universe (I had been warned the Columbia studios would be taking up way too much of my time to run).

Oh and there were an interesting news items on the TV today. Some fellow by the name of Vivid. He apparently had been sentenced 20 lashings by the law council in the emirates for pedophilia, but had to be beheaded because he was actually enjoying the lashes! The name rings a bell, but I can't remember.

Introspection

2006-03-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

I have just made an interesting discovery. No I'm not talking about the fact that my bank balance is zero and I owe the credit card company 60k. I am talking about a problem I am unable to tackle at the moment.

I just realize that I am now getting along very well with quite a few people who I know from my IIT tenure. Though I had more opportunities to get along with them while I was in IIT, its only now that I actually am making good pals with quite a few of them. Some theories:
1. The idiots have now started to understand my humor and hence enjoy my company.
2. They have nothing better to do than spend some time with me. The only other option is to satisfy a cow, and SPCA won't allow that. Plus Das might be in love with one.
3. I don't know.

On a serious note, I have an ever increasing sense of regret for not having spent some more time with some of these really great guys. Not that the sabbaticals (forced and/or unforced) from the hostel helped the matters either.

Muffins, pizzas and the corresponding hugga

2006-03-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

I have noticed the following traits about hugga over the past few years:
1. chocolate muffins/brownies result in an especially stinky hugga. So next time you are angry with the world, eat a couple of muffins and lay an unflushed brick a few hours later.
2. After having had pizzas (and maybe other cheesy stuff too) the output is really sticky (as in chipchipa). Now I know why the Italians need tisssues
3. South India food send you scurrying off for a fire extinguisher next morning, use water - NOT tissues.

Bus yaadein raha jateen hain.....

2006-02-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

Lyrics from Ali Haider's famous song have been coming to me time and again today. I had me School re-union today. Tomorrow is IIT hostel, Karakoram, re-union.

I am one of the guys who develops certain attachment with the places I spent my time in. As a result, I do keep a special place for the people I spent that time with. I still am in touch with a huge number of people from the School, and am trying to do the same for the people from my college as well as my hostel. With time you develop certain preferences for the levels of closeness you associate with these people. I would say that the order for me would be IIT, hostel acquaintances, Biotech, Hostel friends.

The other day I expressed my feelings about some random hostel incident when Pondy said the hostel shit didn't matter. Well maybe it doesn't matter to him now. Maybe it never mattered to him at any point of time except when he badly wanted some post just to strengthen his CV (and he got these over guys who actually might have done some work for the hostel). But my take on it is that if you are keen on consuming the fruits, you're obliged to water the plant.

So, what does this mean? I am not using this to judge people. I mean Pondy is still one of the chaps I am deeply fond of. So is Puppy, who I know shares the same feelings as I do about that incident. It is all a result of what you took away from the place.

IIT has given me an identity and some credibility in this world, where education means a lot in deciding what you CAN become. Karakoram made me a part of what I see as a brotherhood. When I think about IIT, that is one place I think of. Biotech department gave me two degrees and a bunch of pals, some of whom I wish I had spent more time with. And then I have this bunch of really wonderful people.

I will keep the following in alphabetical order, because for me, these fellows are at the same place.

Bhaagal/Achal: A combo of Nana Patekar and the Britannica. He will do the right thing, he will not watch a horror movie. A small town guy who as a result has a lower CC than the ones from the big towns. I know that he will beat his kids if they fail to remember the length of the Red Fort's wall. I will always remember his recitation of Madhusaala.

Das/Das: The operations manager of whatever anyone was ever involved in. He will know where to go and what to do in a sarkaari department. His room-mate algo is so unique, that he doesn't even need to patent it. A flawed diamond, a true friend. I will always remember his news reports.

Maddu/Anant: Mr. Talented. Webster + Intel + Class. One of my bandis was in love with him. The cheeky bastard had a steady supply of bandis seeking him out. Will never forget the 'abe chakke' and 'lund insaan' he said in the CC debate.

Mann/Mann: This guy will take a bullet in the ass for you. True gentleman, though he had a serious mom fetish. If he timed cricket shots as he timed his one liners, he'd the the best batsman ever. I will always remember when he asked the question about taking a BJ from someone we knew.

Pappi/Tatta/Priyank: Max Pappi banda hai. Will never harm an ant. Had a huge collection of rape videos though. Pappi can be trusted to give you an honest opinion, but still not say that you are a jerk. Wannabe PM needs to get married or will have cobwebs spun across himself. I will never forget his queers way of SMSing his bandis.

Pondy/Padoo/Ashwani: A very balanced guy.

Sud/Sud: Mr. Talented. Keen sense of humor, keen sense of PJs. This dude was very well organized. He also let me occupy his room during my exile. Always had a hearty laugh and a joke at hand. After bravely going through various turn-downs (I cant ever understand why),he deservingly has a good bandi now, I hope he gets laid this life-time. I think he needs a bad bandi. I will remember his generous gesture of inviting the whole junta over to his house often to have a good meal and lots of great cake.

Others-
Nain/Nain: Would have made it to the previous list, but alas. Talented guy, very sharp. Too sharp. He is the human leech. Will chooso you, and then drop off as if you never existed. That he was able to do this to so many people amazes me. He was in India recently and failed to meet ANYONE. I hope his story with Mekhla has a happy ending. I will remember his use of the term "Chhakke".

What's wrong with women?

2006-02-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

Man.. women are strange, I tell you.
First, they will wear a mini-skirt. Then if they find you ogling their legs, they get all pissed off. My understanding from what I have heard about the iin skirt is that it is quite inconvenient to move around in as compared to, say a long skirt. Then why do they wear it? I asked a few of them and the answer was simple - "To look sexy". Well If you WANT to look sexy, and then have an issue with being ogled at, visit a fukkin psychiatrist.

I have a theory for why things are set out this way. It is said that a third of the human body's blood supply goes to the brain, where about half of the glucose consumption takes place too. So, what would happen if this blood supply was directed someplace else? With guys it happens that there is just one diversion, but for femmes, there are two. Thus, considering everything to be the same, an average girl will have less blood going to her grey cells than an average guy.
End of discussion.

The calender

2006-02-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Singh has not been seen for a couple of weeks. It wasn't that people were not concerned about him, it was also that we were missing some of his stunts and comments.

The junta had just finished a game of volleyball (this reminds me of a truly Happy volleyball moment, more on that later) and we were discussing missed smashes, spectacular rallies and the new babe who was keenly watching the game and inspiring everyone to play as best as he could. Enter Happy Singh. He was wearing shorts, had a huge bandage around his right knee and was limping. This looked very promising. Soon everyone gathered to get it straight from him. And he obliged us by relating his tragic tale.

Happy Singh had just come in the posession of a certain swimsuit calender. Judging the ideal location for the calender to be the wall right next to his bed (for whatever convenience), he set about hammering a nail into the said wall.

Happy is looking at the calender, Happy is looking at the nail, Happy is looking at the calender (drooling), Happy is placing the nail, Happy is looking at the calender, Happy is picking up the hammer, Happy is looking at the calender, Happy hits the nail.... and drives it into his knee! The doctor had to extract it out of his bone!

Wish he was in Kara.

The adventures of Happy Singh

2006-02-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

Let me introduce to the world Mr. Happy Singh. Happy is inspired by a real life guy that I personally know. He is a friend, and he is an anecdoter's delight - as you will find out. Most of these stories will be my narrations of real-life incidents involving this fellow, so trust me when I say that time spent in the vicinity of this guy was really really good.

Let me start with short story. I will refrain from using any adjectives to try and say anything about his personae, I'd rather let you arrive at a portrait unaided and unbiased.

I live in a certain peaceful locality of Noida. Parks, club, swimming pool..... and dogs. Both domestic as well as stray. Population is about 800 people. At the center of life are the sports club and the market which are located opposite each other. This is where I spent my teens hanging out with the 15 odd people who were the same age.

In the same market is a mother dairy outlet. On that fateful day, Happy Singh rode his bi cycle to the place to buy some stuff. Now, there has been a love hate relationship between Happy Singh and dogs. He loves dogs (has a pet too), dogs hate him (his pet has bitten him). The word soon spread in the 'hood and the street dogs of that area followed the protocol and felt obliged to send an ambassador to meet Happy Singh and make him feel welcome.

The canine arrived at the scene just as Happy Singh was mounting his bike. The creature (I mean the canine here) promptly announced his arrival with few barks and charged towards Happy Singh, growling intermittently. Happy mounted his bike and took off, pedalling furiously, and trying to avoid letting the canine bite his right ankle.

Happy Singh, though is not the common man. He is proactive. He can think. He thinks he can think. He thinks. Happy Singh came out with an ingenious, off the hand solution to the problem at hand. He obviously could not let the dog attach itself to his ankle via its jaws. He also was no Lance Armstrong. Keeping these factors in mind, he devised an ingenious solution.

Camera shift.
We sew Happy Singh tearing off on his cycle, with a dog in hot pursuit, snapping at his heels. We also sew the dog slowing down, having done its duty to make Happy Singh turn grey with fear it was looking forward to high fives with its pals. Happy Singh, though, felt that the dog might be faking it and thus took evasive action. Next thing we saw that he stopped pedalling and put both his feet on the handlebar. The cycle slowed down, lost balance and fell. Most of us fell down laughing. The dog was seen lying upside down on the road, paws in air, laughing. Then it got up and proceeded to bite Happy Singh all over. Then he left.

We were kind enough to help Happy Singh get up and also took him to the doctor. Upon asking whether there was any danger of rabies, the doctor said that if the dog dies with 14 days, there was a risk, else not. Incase there was a risk, Happy Singh would need the 14 injections. For the next few days Happy Singh followed the dog around wherever it went to see if it was going nuts or if it was going to die. On the 13th day, we were at the market, loitering around. So was the dog. So was Happy Singh.

All of a sudden we heard a screech, followed by a yelp, followed by Happy Singh's cries. We ran towards the road and saw that a car had run the dog over! Then we saw Happy Singh standing there, looking as confused as George Bush looked when twin towers bombing news came to him. We almost again fell down laughing. Then took him to the doctor to get his course of 14 injections started.

Morale of the story: You cant ride a cycle with both your feet resting on the handle bar.

Over the following years there have been equally interesting incidents involving Happy Singh. He has been bitten by his pet dog as well as a mongoose (more on these later) and has been declared by the doctor to be rabies resistant as a result of repeat immunization.

There is a trove of Happy Singh stories which I will narrate with time. Significant ones involve cricket, drugs, soccer and croissants. I request the readers to supply an appropriate name for this one (or maybe the series about the bites and rabies). That might help if and when I assemble a book.

Thanks for reading. Let me state this again.. this is a 100% true real life incident.

How I 'made my bones' - something from my school days

2006-02-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Just received an invite from my School for a re-union. The e-mail brought with it a flood of memories. I'll be candid, I am an emotional guy. And I place a lot of value on the relationships I have developed with some chumps over the years. I am not gay, BTW.

The best memories of your life in college and school are mostly about how you got into a deep rut over something stupid and then somehow managed to escape with minor injuries. You also tend to forge lasting friendships with those who were dumb enough to follow (or lead) you into the idiocity.

The incident that I am going to talk about in this post, though is not about a group activity. No. But this is the incident where 'I made my bones' (as Mario Puzo would say).

APJ School, NOIDA. 8th grade.
The mathematics teacher has to step out for a while. As per tradition, the monitor (the scoundrel who will tell the teacher as to who was talking when she was away) got up and
started pacing about the class. Her benchmate (we sat in mixed pairs) has his nose buried in the last chapter of another hardy boys mystery (I am ashamed to admit that I've read em all). Few minutes later, she sees the teacher walking back towards the class and heads back to her seat. Nose still buried in the novel.
Camera shift, now see what I saw.
Suddenly Sidra (the monitor, my neighbour) says "Abhimanyu, what is this?" and displays a pink-black packet. I take it in my hands, quipping "Looks like a Sunsilk sachet". Then I see it, it is a packet of KamaSutra. I get psyched and generally throw it away. Now believe me... the timing and direction couldn't have been worse.
The bally thing lands two steps in front of the teacher who's just walking in. She picks it up, sees it and says "Who threw this at me?"
And then she spots me standing at my seat, the look of horror frozen on my face, crap about to exit bund. "you!!!" (I was the maths stud of the class). The class is buzzing with "what hap?", "manyu threw a KS on Lumba", "manyu what!!!!", "no way", "pitega". Lumba calls me to the front of the class, regards me for a while and decides that there is NO way that a choot-pot like me could do this. "Everyone in that row, bring your bags here, I want to see who got this, maybe there's more.". While the frisking is going on, I can hear my pals betting on how many days would I be suspended for. Some support.
Anyway, the frisking doesn't reveal anything and I am let off. And from here begins my transformation from a nerd into what I am. To tell you honestly, I used to think that condoms were elaichi (they sound like cardamoms) and that KS was something 'non veg'.

The gossip spread in the teacher's room. Very soon I was faced with a battery of teachers trying to tell me that I was too young to do such things. All the time I was praying that they don't call my parents, coz I was pretty sure that I would be slaughtered. Anyway, that didn't happen. What DID happen was that I became an overnight celebrity. When I entered the school bus, the seniors invited me at the back (where they sat) and offered to let me sit there. I was cool. I had balls. And I was too meek to refuse. The school knew me now. Notoriety brings instant recognition. Top the class, and .... nothing. bunk a class... u got the x factor.
Anyway, from that day onwards, I got to deliver all the funny messages to senior girls, bunked classes at the pretext of play practices, even made it to the school orchestra.
I got addicted to that, and after the seniors graduated took it upon myself to liven up the proceedings in the class a bit. Of course I was just a small soldier as compared to the greats like Akhil, but still.

I'm tired now, and I have a feeling that this might have been a boring blog to read for you, so I'll just shut-up.

The Delhi guy mentality

2006-02-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

Man!!! The Delhi guys. What The Fuck is wrong with these asses?
Here are the 10 rules followed by a Delhi male to substantiate his existence

I shall use my Superman vision to x-ray every woman. You must've heard 'If eyes could kill', what about 'If eyes could rape'?
I must pick up a fight everyday. Important rule, I shall only abuse, it takes balls to throw a punch, thank god most of us lack em.
I must exhibit what I perceive to be my unique combination of an excuse for a good stereo and Britney Spears/ Punjabi music. Gimme some ear plugs.
My mother's brother-in-law's father-in-law's neighbor's dog's bitch's owner is the local hawaldar. I'll screw your life if u mess with me.
I shall strive to beat the shit out of the boyfriend of that cute chic who has spurned me time and again.
Hair gel, boot-cuts, kaan mein baali, boots with heels, the works. I ROCK.
If she doesn't date me, she's a slut. Gotta tell the town.
My dad bought the first model of this car in the neighborhood. TOP model. Now I will drive it like I rode my Chetak through Chawri bazaar.
Wake up, gel, car, fellow losers, K-Nag (Dhik-chuk from the stereo), GK M block traffic snarl-up (Dhik-chuk from the stereo), Khan market (Dhik-chuk from the stereo).
Pub, Stag entry, no girl, tashani dance with other's girls (oye maine uske daba diye), fight, g'nite.

Ek thulla, Ek Kamara, Ek Chaabi aur Ek Maha-tatta

2006-02-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

If I ever write a book (I intend to, only the fact that people would say I went the Chetan Bhagat way is stopping me) about my life, IIT would get a significant 'publishage'. Out of this significant portion, I would dedicate a big chunk to what happened one night on campus, and what followed.

Why give a major chunk to just one week out of 5 years? Read on for the answer.
Keeping in mind Xxxxx's crib about the longish blogs (and to make the authorship less cumbersome) I have kept out some details, which include some riveting oscar worthy performances given to the Maha-tatta.

IIT Delhi is one of those educational institutions which have a distinct character. What sets it apart from the others is the 'delhi thing'. And no, its not the students. It's the professors. The professors (and some staff) in IIT Delhi, over the years have turned into control freaks. BOCTAOE. As a result, the place is run tighter than Captain Haddock's vessel.

The story starts in the 4th year. Karakoram hostel had the RCA G.Sec that year and as a result was running the rendezvous, the annual cultural fest of IIT Delhi. During the fest a lot of folks have to stay on campus for a few days and IITD is more than happy to provide them accommodation in various hostels. One of the places where you can avail of better accommodation is Nalanda - the married students' hostel. Here you get a two bedroom apartment with a kitchen and a bathroom.

We had put up a rock band in a corner room of the top floor of the hostel. As a result we had the keys to the place. More specifically Thulla had the keys. He had the intention of inviting some junta there, and have a daroo party or two. He also happens to be one of those guys who will never back out of a naughty plan, possesses a short fuse and as a result he had had a few run ins with the insti profs as well as the security.

One day Thulla lost his scooter keys. He called a keymaker to make a duplicate for his scooter as well as is room, when it struck him (or was it me?) that we could ask the fellow to duplicate the key to the Nalanda room. Well, he made a duplicate and we returned the original.

For the next few months various junta made good use of the place. Many fond memories were created. Sigh.....

Like anything good, it wasn't mean to last. One stormy night (I'm not making this up for effects, it was stormy) I was having a cuppa caffienated stuff and some pseudo high CC conversation with a chic one of my adopted sons (more about these later) turned up with some chic he claimed he had eloped from home with. They wanted some place to spend the night, and I provided him with the keys alongwith specific instructions to:

Leave at dawn
Don't name me if he got caught.

He didn't leave at dawn.
He got caught.
He named me.

Bastard. You see, in every bollywood love story the Pathan who helps the two lovers is brutally murdered, and doesn't get laid. Hero bangs the chic and leaves. So the bastard named me and left. Sweeeeeet.

Anyway, here I was, in a soup, with the warden, the dean of students, the warden of nalanda (who also happens to be a top notch sadist, by the way), all charging me for running a prostitution racket off the premises! Some imagination.

Now things got ugly. I called thulla, who came up with a story (I don't remember the details). He told me what to say (senior fellow), and as soon as his turn to tell the story came, he changed his statement (so much for brotherhood). I got nailed bad. So did Thulla, because his reputation ensured that he got nailed too.

Then came the HHC, the House Honors committee, which the sadist attended (he wasn't supposed to be there). The HHC has the mess secy, house secy, warden, house master (AKG, yikes!!!) and two final year junta. Raman and Maddu obliged to do duty.

I was close to a nervous breakdown and so decided to tell the truth and leave the rest to fate. The sadist (SKG, yes it was him) shut Raman Jo up as soon as he opened his mouth and proceeded to tell people how I was the biggest pimp in the hood, inbetween chewing tobacco. I was being skewered and thinking on what to do after being chucked out in the final year of my B.Tech. A while later I lost me temper, decided against crushing SKG's neck and stormed out of the room saying, WTF.

And then I discovered, why Maddu was such a revered orator. He stood up, took a very brave stand and told the 'Jury' what he thought of me as a person and blasted SKG's theory out of the stratosphere. They said they will come out with a verdict later, and sent me away to my room.

Next day there were notices in EVERY hostel praising my act and declaring that I was handed a hostel fukka. Same for Thulla. He broke the mandatory bathroom windows and pipes, and left fuming. Not before some friend of his tried to strangle me. This after I said what he told me to!

The only negative was that from that day onwards, no insti girl would have anything to do with me. I really liked that PS chick from TT, but it was a no hope situation. As for the positives, I started to live in the hostel for free.

This incident also elevated Maddu to much higher level in my opinion. He is a gem of a person and I will always remember how he stood up for me when it really counted. He is also the chap who suggested the title for this blog.

God is a woman

2006-02-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

God has to be a woman, I have no doubts about this.

you think otherwise? Oh yeah? Read on....

I know over three hundred guys who graduated with me. They almost always have a similar story of the life till they turn 20 something with minor variations. BOCTAOE (But Of Course There Are Obvious Exceptions).

3- 17/18 You go to school, and do well (academically at least)
17/18 - 22/23 You go to IIT Delhi
22/23 Get a job, go elsewhere to study

U can imagine that all 3 of the above stages involve a fair bit of ass-slogging. BOCTAOE. I wasn't complaining till I got hooked up with my present girl. Look at this life-table (bad one, I meant time-table... blah blah)

1-18 You get born beautiful, grow to 5'10" +
18 - present you become a model

It doesn't fukkin matter if ur I.Q. is a tenth of your IIT boy friend's. Coz even though he was slogging his ass while you were applying mascara and admiring the results in a full length mirror, you make what he makes in a month within three days.

Oh yeah, and your work involves smiling while walking, while his involves solving complex problems by making huge spreadsheets (10 hrs a day, 5 point something days a week).

More examples???

Just saw a shooting star, made a wish

2006-02-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

Just saw a shooting star and made a wish. infact I gave fate a few things to pick from.

At this moment there are a few things that I really want to see.

1. Girl on girl - live.
2. Saddam beat the shit out of G.Bush - hand to hand.
3. Milla Jovovich - from 2 inches away.... and closing
4. A ford GT 40 in my garage.
5. An ugly, no holds barred catfight.

The concept of nationality

2006-01-30T02:40:00.000-08:00

Recently I had to sit through another movie based on the theme of patriotism - Rang de Basanti. I came back from the theatre thinking why the hell would someone be ready to die for a concept such as nationalism.

There are quite a few beliefs that people nowadays are ready to die for - religion, money, love, political belief, regionalism etc. But there is always an incentive here. The tying factors (or barriers) between people for these concepts are similarities. People are able to relate to those who speak the same language or look the same or have same political believes. They find a similarity that they have with these people, and thus they are ready to fight (and die) for the perceived good if these people.

Most of these unifying (and dividing) factors have been put in place naturally. Language evolves within confines of regions and so do physical attributes (height, build etc) of humans. So people who speak the same language have usually been living together for generations. This makes it very understandable if these relate to each other. Also these factors are capable of binding together a rather smaller bunch of people.

The concepts of nationalism and religion are usually imposed by a conquering invader. The end motive for doing this is to make it easier and assured, the domination of the local people. The all conquering British carved India as separate from their other physically linked colonies towards east and west for this reason. They also introduced Christianity, much like Islam had been introduced a few centuries ago. Whole Kingdoms in Eastern Europe are known to have embraced a particular religion to buy peace with the dominant powers of the times.

A much starker example here is the North and South Koreas, Taiwan and China, India and Pakistan. Exactly same people, one day divided on the basis of nationalism, introduced by a leaving occupier. This division is usually pivoted on varying religious or political beliefs. But is it not true that before being occupied these very people were living together? Is it also not true that these divisions are not absolute and that people of both types end up across the border, though in varying proportions?

So, what is your point, you would say. And I'd say that my point is that it is simply not worth a rat's ass to be willing to die for a concept born out of such circumstances. I fail to see why the Pakis relish bombing the Indians with whom they share a fair bit of their DNA. I'm not trying to preach Indo-Pak peace, I'm just trying to understand why a majority of a billion people would be glad to get rid off people who are lot closer to them in terms of food, language, physical attributes etc., while being not hostile to the Dravidians down south, with whom we don't have anything in common apart from British provided Nationality.

Bad movie and a bad Saturday night

2006-01-28T10:37:00.001-08:00

Man, what a dreadful week-end.
First up, due to a turn of events, entirely out of my control I found myself present at PVR Priya Chanakyapuri for the premier of Rang De Basanti.

The cast of the movie had decided to turn up for the premier of the movie at this very venue. This led to total chaos at the place and the show could only begin by 1130. Not good. The movie does merit a short review.
Here goes.
Rang De Basanti is yet another Hindi movie where a 40 something bollywood actor plays a college student who can sing, dance, romance a barely 20 firang, kick some ass(defence minister, no less), drink beer, give punjabi gaalis and hopes to pull it off at the box office. Amir Khan looks every bit a 40 something, and no amount of make-up can hide that. The trouble is that this fellow acts these roles out quite well, but he must realize that he's getting too old for such stuff. And I cannot digest the fact that some firang will come down from London to tell a bunch of really wasted college daddies that their nation is great and they must love it.

The climax is both unreal and sadistic. Please pay attention that I am not calling it tragic. No. There is a clear distinction between tragic and sadistic, and this movie has one of the most pathetic endings I have ever seen. Right up there with Irreversible. But at least reversible gave you a good view of Monica Bellucchi's whoppin assets. This one has Amir and some other guys takin their shirts off to wave em to a passin Mig-21. ugghhhh.

That was Friday. Come Saturday and I was plannin some fun activity. By the evening I had discovered that my girl was in that part of the month. From this the girls mean "I will be random, rude, weird and blame you for that. Also, sucker, I'll give you no action even if I am not out yet. And that also is your mistake."

This rounds up what has been a bad week-end so far. There is no way that this can get any worse. Maybe the female will come around to her senses. Else I will have to stay content with calling her names under my breath and makin sure I hurt her at every opportunity and make her guilty enough for......

Of Chhakkas and lund insaans

2006-01-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

Another term coined by our creative maddu. Chhakka.
Actually the word has been in general public circulation for quite some time, and the only associated meaning to that was that the person called a chhakka was a he/she who shaved or waxed, depending on the mood. Don't get me wrong here. Even though Sobbi fits the description, he is not a Chhakka. I think.

I should have started with:
Another usage of a popular term coined by our creative maddu.
Though the exact timing of coinage is not clear, a few DNA tests and X-Rays of king Tut's skull have revealed the the word Chhakka was used in its present context around 2003 A.D.

By saying saale chhakke, he usually meant that whatever you just said/did was not what he interpreted as the correct thing to do. And his assessment was usually coherent with reality. Stuff like abe chhakke, maa chuda le is an exception here. I hope.
The term got picked up by the junta and got integrated into the common lingo. Now there are instances where the prof is heard saying abe chhakke, rate of acceleration 2g nahi hai.

Another term that got into the common lingo is lund-insaan. Literal translation means dick-human. Though this may not appear to be making enough sense, strong impact is felt when it is used to refer to you. Just saying the term is not enough though, you have to really back it up with some emotions. For best results, pause for half a second before you proceed to make your point. There's no feeling that can match the feeling of an insult sink in.

Next on the cards is choot-pot. It does not amount to much when translated and one would be hard pressed to look for an insult in the translation, but whenever the term was used, I could infer that the person being referred to was an amalgam of a wimp, chhakka, and various others. To my best ability, I can recollect Das using this term time and again, and thus I give him credit, if not for inventing it, but for popularizing it.

So next time when you are walking down a corridor in IIT and hear the following, you'd know what they mean:
Prof: Oye lund-insaan, what is the value of acceleration for this object?
Student 1: 2g, sir.
Prof: abe chhakke,(half second pause) rate of acceleration 2g nahi hai.
Student 1 to student 2: abe choot-pot, galat answer bataaya toone.

Treatclub I - the beginning

2006-01-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Tag line: No chinese. No vegetarian.

Cast overview:
Pondy, Mann Singh, Nain Singh, Rana, Bhaagal : Victims
Pushkar Jain, Abhishek Sharma,Shashank Mishra,Ranjan Aggarwal : (mis)treaters

Plot Outline.
Karakoram Hostel. Some of the guys have landed handsome jobs (combined worth 250Million+). Treats are expected. We'll feed like kings is what the public says. bring out the cutlery - they cry out with joy...

Quotes:
Pushkar Jain: Vegetarian only
Ashwani, Rana, Mann, Bhaagal: A large pizza for me
Treaters: What!!!

Needless to say, we came back hungry and angry. The fukkin scrooges shoudn't have given us a treat in the first place. Couldn't believe these they did this!!! After coming back, all of us got together and swore that we will never let this happen to anyone, ever. And thus was born the treatclub.
Either you were a founding member, or they all had to accept you into the group. There was ono other way you could be a member. The treatclub rules given below will explain how it functioned.

N.B. This article been composed by Varun Sud. I have just pasted it here as it is.

The 1st RULE of Treat Club : You do not ask for a treat.

The 2nd RULE of Treat Club : You DO NOT ask for a treat.

The 3rd RULE of Treat Club: If someone says "no booze" or goes broke, taps out the treat is over.

The 4th RULE of Treat Club: Only two guys to an extra large pepperoni pizza and pitcher of beer.

The 5th RULE of Treat Club: One treat at a time.

The 6th RULE of Treat Club: No Vegeterian, no Chinese.

The 7th RULE of Treat Club: Treats will go on as long as Mer has not had his fill of cheesecake.

The 8th RULE of Treat Club: If this is your first night at TREAT CLUB, you HAVE to treat.

Maddu, Pondy and I : a case study

2006-01-17T23:08:00.000-08:00

Today I had a conversation with Maddu, Pondy and Pappi. It basically meandered around Maddu trying to say that Latika was indeed my true love, with inputs from Ashwani.

I can understand why Ashwani does it. He sees my rejection of Latika analogous to his attempted rejection of divya. He loves parts (the word is used as a metaphor, you pervert) of her, but does not love the rest. That does not mean he hates it, it just means that he (thinks he) wants something more.

As for Maddu, he was having a few laughs at my expense. Or is there a deeper reason to his actions? Lets do a case on him.

Those from the Treatclub would remember the chhota bhai stud hota hai as compared to bada bhai theory. It applies to all, BOCTAOE (acronym explained at the dilbert blog), pappi being one. Maddu's chhota bhai, despite the fact ki maddu bahut bada stud hai, became a bahut bahut bada stud. So the Alexanderian maddu was regularly beaten by his bro at things he was invincible at otherwise. It affected him strongly. His own image in the mirror started to flash a red tag (another term treatclubbers would be familiar with). To even things out, maddu decided that he would 'use' a high CC girl from his brother's college to show to himself (remember his brother still regards him as a respectable elder) that he can beat his brother at something.

From now on the case converges on the same line as Pondy's. Boy get girl for the intention of use and refuse. Boy falls for the girl. Boy says girl has high CC. boy is horny, calls the girl horny. Then realizes, that at the end of the day, he can't live without her.

Enter Rana. Guy has full intentions of being labeled as a loose cannon. Unfortunately he lacks the time to do so. Thus he is in a stable relationship with his girl (hence the title of this post). Maddu and Pondy (separately, though) decide that theirs' is a situation similar to Rana's and render out their hearts' pain and dilemma, terming it as Rana's.

Not fair, but hey, if my friends feel better after using me as an emotional punching bag, who cares.

Majboori ka naam stable relationship hai

2006-01-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

Whenever I hear guys (or for that matter girls) say stuff like I'm committed or i have a stable relationship I interpret it as:
1. This is the best i could do, and i am ready to live with it
2. I can't find anyone better
3. No one better wants to have anything to do with me (unless it involves throwing rotten eggs)
4. In the worse case - the liar doesn't have a date nowadays but wants to prove he has.

Having stepped out of a boys only make it here kind of a college, I have run into a fair number of variety number 4. You just need to look at people's orkut profiles. Next to a guy who looks like an African samuha gorilla (only less macho) you'd see a section which says committed.

BOCTAOE. Some of these people manage to ensnare someone(or manage to get ensnared - IITians make good husbands - well paid, incapable of philandering). After a few dozen coffees and dinners, they are upgraded to category 1.

After a few months it is category 2. and when the realization dawns, it is upgraded to category 3.

Ignorance is bliss.

Religion - when zeal takes over logic

2006-01-17T00:13:00.000-08:00

I recently read Ashwani's blog on the subject of 'Temples and Shrines'. We might say that this is a rural phenomenon, but that would be wrong. Look at akshardham temple complex on the banks of Yamuna. The scale of the construction and money spent is OBSCENE. And most of the contributors are well-off educated gullible morons.

Let me explain.
A visit costs 125 Rs. This is same as what charities like C.R.Y. ask for when they solicit donations. But instead of donating for a human cause, people are ready to show how religious (and in turn noble) they are by donating dollops of money for such extravagances.
These people are religious illiterates who do not understand what their religion is trying to teach them. It's not about idol worship. It's always about being human. But in this age of Sadhus (that bastard Ramdev's a point in case) who don't know shit about religion, but still have a 1000+ asses to follow them and kiss their feet, religion is mis-interpreted to the extent of being bastardised. I have read quite a few literatures (Ramayan, Mahabharata, Shiv puran etc. included) and nowhere have i heard stuff that remotely says things like "multinationals are anti-our sankriti" or says things which amount to "valentines day is immoral". I agree that the St. Valentines day is a spin created by the corporates, but what these assholes should understand is that ours used to be a culture of liberated expression of love (KS, Khajuraho are examples) and tolerance. It was the Islamic influence that changed things.

So morons like VHP and RSS should first try and find the true hindu ideology before try and defend what is not true hindusim in any case.
Hinduism - celibacy. My foot. My foot up their asses. Have they forgotten the devdasis? bloody chootiyas.

Pappi got mugged!!!

2006-01-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

Last night Pappi walked in at 1:30 am in tattered clothes. Poor guy (mugging tends to make you poorer) had been mugged on the way home after a romantic dinner with some new guy he's been dating (we suspect). So now he joins the "I've been mugged" group with Ashwani.

The trouble with getting mugged is that it is a very inconvenient process for the victim. I have yet to come across a person who enjoyed the experience. You just have to Handle it the right way. Consider the following cases:

Ashwani - girl. Bhopal. Romantic walk. Enter 10 muggers. Ashwani is capable of running fast, but can't leave the girl behind. Also the probability of one of the muggers outrunning you is higher as the number of muggers increase (just apply theory of relativity, you'll see it is). So he talks to the muggers, gets his ID documents back, the girl doesn't get molested, and loses Rs 300. Even his cell in his pocket is spared.

Pappi - alone. Gurgaon. Post romance walk. Enter 5 muggers. Pappi tries to fight. His pants get torn (i hope this was incidental and they just wanted to mug him and not smug him). He's been taking some kick-boxing classes and managed to break a couple of necks before someone hit him with a tranquilizer dart. That slowed him down, but didn't stop him. Another guy got hit by the five point palm-exploding heart technique that Pie Mei had taught Pappi in his previous class. Then came another two darts. He got knocked out and they beat the shit out of him.

Ok. I confess. I made it sound bad on purpose. What actually happened was that He did put up a some resistance, but got overpowered. The Torn pants thing is true though. Luckily the only thing that got bruised during the process was his ego.

You see, my point here is that it is wise to just hand over the money. You might be able to save your cell. Also you might escape a beating and/or a rape (depending on whether the mugger is a sadist and/or a gay). You can always tell the others that you fought off the first dozen, managing to kill a couple, but got outnumbered pretty bad. That should take care of the ego bit.

Re-wind

2006-01-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

"Just 3 more days" is what I said to myself as I reluctantly woke up this morning. You see, I've already put in my papers. I'm quitting my present job.

I've been asked by a few people "why are you quittin?", and I've been giving everyone different answers, selected by a random though generator somewhere in my head.
I use the phrase "I'm getting into" and post fix one of the following : my own startup, family business, trouble etc. etc.

The truth is, that more often than not (also, more often than I should) I follow my instinct. This has yielded mixed results for me so far. I've gotten into trouble - out of trouble, scored runs - got clean bowled, got laid - got slapped. But I find doing this much more easier than getting into serious thinking mode and analyzing my actions. I rather follow what I feel like doing.

So, right now I felt like quitting, and quit I did.

I've never tried to conceal the fact that I am lazy. It has also recently dawned that I might have a slight problem when someone tells me what to do, rather than let me decide myself. This means that the only people under whom I can work are: Myself or Milla Jovovich (she'd have to use her charms quite frequently). She won't hire me. Even if she did, she wont do it thrice a day. Thus the only option left is to start out on my own.

Will be doing that over the next few days. Item 2 on the agenda is to loose the dozen odd kilos I have piled up over the past few days. This damn office routine leaves me with no time at all. Sitting on my ass all day has resulted in a big paunch and a wide ass. The only sport that I've been finding myself time for is the one which I need to find an occasion for. And I'm not that lucky. That's the third item on the agenda.

Hopefully I will fulfill the above agenda items. Who knows I might feel like doing something else, or (even better) nothing at all. Lets see.

My first time

2006-01-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

Some said it is great fun. some said it is not really worth it.
Few also said that it needed a lot of effort to get done if you are inexperienced.

I was nervous.
What would happen? Would I become a subject of laughter and ridicule?

What if others came to know?

Well, I dilly-dallied for a while, and took the plunge.

I fiddled around with it. Played around a little bit.
Was reckless, had fun.

But I managed it.

How was it?
Great.
Would I do it again?
Yeah, I'll keep blogging.

Not for those with squeamish stomachs...utter hugga

2005-09-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

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